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| i love this. get wrapped up in words today. |
THE LETTER...
dearest _______________,
sometimes i sit here for 5 minutes asking myself...how should i even start this thing off? these notes are becoming so long & epic that i feel they need this fourth of july sparking intro...but alas...here is one where i start off plainly by saying - i miss you. some phrases don't ever lose their luster in my opinion. their shine never wears off because their weight is always powerful ya know? never fading...too much genuine meaning.
what a mushy start. uggh right? i told myself that i should take a quick break from ______________ conclusion (excellent movie!)...and not listen to my slow songs when i write you this because i know how my heart likes to go crazy. that is a bit of a confession, without much of a secret revealed. i must say that i'm still fighting the currents a bit when it comes to sharing emotions with you - about you. i am usually so eager to be an open book that keeping it a bit clutched with you has been challenging...but necessary i think. :P until now? here's a fact. your messages are just as awesome as mine. they have your unique flavor and not mine...and that's why i love them. if i wanted more of me...i'd clone myself (expensive & weird). i want more of you so...that's that. to add to that...i guess i should say that this message...even without my slow songs & _____________ echoes, will be a little more heartfelt than the others. or a lot. not that i don't always gush a bit toward you, but this one...maybe a tad more? that's your warning. that's your chance to run to the border...put on your fanciest velvet covered sombrero, pink flippers and swim the rio grande. :P don't do that. probably difficult to swim in a hat that large anyway...but on a serious note...i'm going to follow your advice and say how i feel because let's face it...i suck at hiding feelings.
"________________" by ____________ just came on. great.
anyhoo...so yeah. i was initially going to wait to write this particular response...in hopes that you would miss me more by the day...play the make myself less available game. you know, we all miss people more when they're less available right? simple science. ;) anyway. but then i thought to myself...that's dumb. that's like...7th grade check yes or no romance kinda stuff. so i'm going to pretend to be my age for once in my life and skip over that quirky little hopscotch love.
at the risk of you not wanting to really talk to me anymore, i'm going to take bold steps here and be brutally honest. i think it's only fair. that being said, i will never run the other direction from you. i want to be close to you too badly.
oh man...i better put tons of light-hearted humor at the end of this one! whew!
so the truth is that i am quite afraid that i will never meet another girl like you either. not that i'm a girl (anatomically proven)...but that was a reference to your last message. i can't say it much better than that. since i met you, i knew there was something about you that drew me in. and it did a pretty good job of making us both crazy for a good while. i remember fondly going back & forth like we were together when we weren't. i remember tossing & turning in bed thinking of ways to clear a path for you & i...only to ultimately fail. which is ok. :) everything happens for a reason...sometimes, you're not sure why...or why then...or why now...but they do. always. that's just faith really...knowing that your life was planned by God, and He's got ya covered. a very warm and comforting thought for sure. so, there was that time. i'm not trying to live totally in the past here...i'm moving forward...just be patient mmk? k. i have lots to write...you know this!
years later, i feel the same? minus the question mark. i feel the same. we have been physically and emotionally detached for 3-ish years and i am pretty much 100% positive that our funny little connection hasn't skipped a beat. i'm not assuming you have any romantic interest in me AT ALL...just that we miss each other's character...personalities...sense of humor. vitally important pieces of any people puzzle. tongue twister! physical attraction/affection is the easy part. when i say all of these things, please know that i'm not trying to woo you in a whiplash fashion or sweep you off your feet. i understand your situation (to some extent)...and am by no means trying to dive into a pool made for two. what i am doing though...is accepting the fact that i'll either die, or explode if i don't spill all of this fancy french oil out on your gulf of mexican heart sooner than later. eww...i sucked the sweetness out of that message with a bad political pun. and you're not mexican. double whammy.
rephrase.
i am accepting the fact that if i don't share all of these heavy and honest emotions with you sooner or later...i'll crumble. it's going to come out. i'm me ya know? that and...i get a tiny sensation that you are becoming quite eager to hear from me...which is encouraging me to splurge a bit. which i think is good actually.
i'm sorry if there's no concrete clarity here, but i wanted to at least give you that much. i talked to one of my best female friends about you, and how i've always felt about you and she did a great thing by telling me it's obviously something very real...for me if nothing else...so put it out there. she reminded me also that i'm a great catch and i haven't much to lose...which helped a load. she there's that.
what sets you apart is that you make me laugh so effortlessly. if i die next to one woman...i want to die knowing she had me laughing along the entire ride. i think that far too many people take laughter for granted. it's electricity ya know? it's the power behind the love lines. when everything doesn't look like it used to...or doesn't function like it once did...you have your smiles, and laughs. you have that love...which trumps comfort every day of the year. comfort is a horrible foundation for true love...to me. maybe i'm straying a bit from the main road here, but i'm getting all jazzed up about something i'm very passionate about i guess. i suppose i should just come out and say it'd break my heart to think of you spending your entire life not laughing like you're about to burst at the seams. even if it's simple _____________ quotes!...you have to laugh. i've found in my many years of wishful dating that that is the one thing that really brings a couple close in the ugly times. it's funny...because God is like, the best comedian ever. because He makes us nuts...but loves us like a madman. and comedy to me...is the center of a constantly refreshed love.
i should talk about something else. beating the guts out of that poor dead horse.
my head/heart are kind of all over the place right now so please excuse the scrambled eggness of all of this. just know that it's all coming from an honest place.
here's what i've been wanting to say. i guess if i were to take up a huge stage and make some massive glittery romantic oration in front of tens of thousands, this is it.
but what i really want to say. what's been resonating in my chest for way too long...through thoughts of running with you, laughing with you, holding you (we did have that), talking to you about faith, loving our boys...through all of that...i can't stop but to think that you are my Mona Lisa. you are so rare...so one of a kind...so elite & valuable...so priceless and elegeant...so epic princess to me. to me you are a supermodel and the gal next door...the perfect gameday companion and the ideal motherly type. maybe i read you too fast...or skipped some pages, but i know all this about you. i have only felt similar about one girl in my life and i was right about her...and today, she's an amazing wife to a great guy, and now they're insanely happy. i want to be so poetic and flowery right now...dress this up in the finest fonts, but i can't say it any better than to me you're tragically special. i don't think you know how much so...or give yourself enough credit...or expect to be treated like a goddess...but i think you should. and please when you read goddess don't think i simply mean looks...please. you're obviously drop dead stunning...but that's definitely not the message i'm trying to send here. you're all of that to me though. you're the unicorn and the pot of gold and the fairytale wrapped into one. a million miles of stars.
the last bold thing i'll say is simple and feel free to hate me or correct me if i'm critically wrong, but i still think something might be missing on your end of the love spectrum? i'm not proposing to you or anything...but there is a great big buzzing in my chest that knows we have a certain shared interest and chemistry that is once in a lifetime kind of stuff. beyond comfort and not wanting change...it's ____________ kind of stuff. i don't think it would ever be difficult for us to have that. i think if we were together, and we "let go"...it wouldn't take long to want much more. sorry...eee...trying not to sound like a proposition. letting the feelings run a little wild. let me conclude this soaking topic...
i don't really know where anything goes from that big huge romantic monologue, but i felt like it was definitely worth saying...knowing that it came from the very deepest part of my heart. from here on you can treat me as you always have and pretend that you never read this...or accept that maybe there's a reason why you think that i'm one of a kind too and feel your way around it. either way, i will stay close. i'm a very leap of faith type and i know it's not an easy jump to follow...but i wanted you to know at least where i am on this wild, pounding map.
if i scared the life out of your whole entire being...i'm so sorry. i'm great at taking a solid "no thanks"...just go easy and drop some compliments in there? don't get me wrong...i'm not asking you to come running into my arms or to do anything majorly drastic anytime soon...i'm solely asking you to hear me out for now. that'll suffice. :) anything on top of that for me...is just bonus. so say, or don't say what you wish. i'm going to be a very encouraging, and loving friend to you as best as i can no matter what. i think you deserve the best of everything...so i will give you my best. it seems like in some areas, you don't get the support you should...so if i can even be that...fantastic.
i want to be funny and answer all your questions now but i'm feeling like the world's largest, disease-infested african mosquito ever just flew by and drained every ounce of blood out of my torso...lol, which would make it very hard to write. imagine my torso with no blood...arms pale and flailing about, like an elephant on ecstasy, with 2 trunks at a rave maybe? hmm...have to work on that one.
i want to ask questions about you but this is longer than my rat-tail was when i was 8 and that's not okay. i made a lot of mexican males proud with that beast. not only that, but i think there's probably more than enough emotion to digest to hold you over for a good week or 57. i hope you take this with a smile and not a tear. in the end i really just want you to be outrageously happy. that's what matters most. i want you to be happy.
i miss you.
yes, i love you too.
xxo/__________________
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