30 COMPLETELY EPIC R&B CLASSICS TO DOWNLOAD ASAP:
a lot of you headphone-bearers might not know this about me, but at one point in my life, i was QUITE the R&B connoisseur. along with my handsomely-bearded cousin paul crumrine...combined we knew of every existing artist that even considered singing a song about being ready to makeout in the back of a drop-top. so put on your matching Karl Kani denim outfits, grab your shawty, turn down the lights and download this collection of disgustingly good r&b hits. mind you, these were 30 of my favorite songs ever from some 400+ albums and nearly 10 years of consistent deep digging the genre for new talent. so, you KNOW they have to be jazzy fresh right?
THE 25 PERKS OF MY STAGE 3 CONCUSSION:
a lot of you headphone-bearers might not know this about me, but at one point in my life, i was QUITE the R&B connoisseur. along with my handsomely-bearded cousin paul crumrine...combined we knew of every existing artist that even considered singing a song about being ready to makeout in the back of a drop-top. so put on your matching Karl Kani denim outfits, grab your shawty, turn down the lights and download this collection of disgustingly good r&b hits. mind you, these were 30 of my favorite songs ever from some 400+ albums and nearly 10 years of consistent deep digging the genre for new talent. so, you KNOW they have to be jazzy fresh right?
do it...trust me. even if you weren't in the mood for R&B tonight, this list will put you in it faster than a 14K gold charm featuring your very own first name in cursive.
air jordans & choreographed dance for life. download away.
1. raphael saadiq – ask of you
2. brian mcknight – anytime
3. jon b. – they don’t know
4. r. kelly – your body’s callin’
5. jagged edge – i gotta be
6. imx – in & out of love
7. keith sweat – nobody
8. shai – comforter
9. new edition – one more day
10. 112 – only you (bad boy remix)
11. r. kelly – step in my room
12. shai – come with me
13. 112 – just a little while
14. aaron hall – i miss you
15. devonte’ – love you down
16. blackstreet – joy
17. mario winans – i don’t wanna know
18. soul for real – every little thing i do
19. hi-five – can’t wait another minute
20. horace brown – one for the money
21. babyface – when can i see you
22. joe – all the things (your man won’t do)
23. after 7 – sarah smile
24. jodeci – cry for you
25. immature – 24/7
26. total – can’t you see
27. aaliyah – hot like fire
28. avant – ooh ahh
29. ginuwine – when doves cry
30. tony toni tone - anniversary
THE 25 PERKS OF MY STAGE 3 CONCUSSION:
there are three stages of concussions. a stage 1 (the mildest) is categorized as no loss of consciousness, a stage 2 is categorized as having lost conciousness for 5 minutes or less and a stage 3 is categorized as having lost consciousness for 5 minutes or more. if you didn't know this part of the tale, i lost mine for nearly 40 minutes. i'm not much for a pity party, but it definitely adds to the flavor of the tale. so here are the amusing & beautiful perks of my very special little stage 3'er. some of them don't even make sense...or dollars. but it definitely did cost $7,000. YAHTZEE!
loss of taste
loss of taste
loss of appetite
loss of smell
lost 14 lbs. in one week
raging headaches
sore eyeballs
bruised skull
accelerated short term memory loss
inability to make quick movements
sore abs
sore tailbone
dizziness
sore molars
double vision
random headrushes
occasional stuttering
occasional repeating
stumbling
extremely accelerated fatigue patterns
decelerated understanding of jokes/humor
inability to drive/severe driving impairments
incessant ringing in ears
extreme sensitivity to light
sore/clicking/popping right jaw
sore neck
*so if you're ever considering getting whipped out of a super high speed golf cart on a private island and bouncing your melon off the concrete a couple of times...remember this sugary sweet list. :)
11 QUICK FIT TIPS (to gain lean muscle, or tone what you've got)
my grandest apologies if this bores your big juicy brains to death, but in staying true to form...i have to mix up the writing a bit and share different slices of my appletastic life. of course this isn't funny or all that amusing, but hey!...some people could use a taste of (or want to gobble on) this information nugget. for 1 or 17 of you, this could be old news as i wrote it a couple months back, but it might be fresh fruit for others. easy to share even!...like a bunch of grapes!
before i bodyslam you broccoli chompers with the 11 tasty tips, i must confess that i have accumulated a lot of this nutrition over the years from The Abs Diet, Body For Life & more than a few years subscriptions of Men's Health. no nutrition news is brand butt spanking new these days, but it's nice to compile it a bit and break it down brussel sprout style for all my friends, family, lovers, kite flyers and pirate ship fighters.
of course some of you know-it-all, been around the block style types will know most of this as common knowledge. most of you strawberry pickers should be able to take something away from this rhubarb flavored riot.
alright...let's peel this banana my cut up little coconut pickers...
1) eat your highest calorie meals (also highest carb) in the a.m., lowest calorie at night (high protein, little to no carbs, preferably after 5 pm). think like a downward slope. example: 800, 700, 600, 500, 350, 300, 250, 200.
2) when referencing carbs/protein, consider 15+ a lot/high and <15 a little/few.
3) if you’ve stuffed yourself so full that you almost feel gross or bloated, you may need to give your metabolism an extra hour to catch up (i.e. 4 hrs).
4) try to eat 6-8 meals a day, eating every 2-3 hours. keep in mind, a simple protein bar w/ 15g carbs & 15g protein can be considered a “meal”.
5) the general rule of thumb, 15/15 is a meal, while keeping sugars somewhere between 10-20g (ideally lower end).
6) the hardest part about eating this way is finding the time/accessibility to get your meals in. if you can do that, you’ve overcome the biggest hurdle.
7. extreme consistency in timing & food choices will help a lot with getting your meals in.
8) try to minimize saturated fats. >5g is too much for one meal. focus on poly/monounsaturated fats, which are actually very good for you.
9) drink loads of water (80 oz. a day is a great start) and sugar free sports drinks. avoid highly caffeinated substitutes (coffee, energy drinks) if at all possible.
10) if you are trying to gain muscle/positive weight, do not be afraid to eat a high protein, low carb meal late at night (i.e. 10-12pm). if you’re trying to lose weight, your last meal should fall somewhere between 7:30-9pm.
11) eat asap after you wake up. the sooner, the better for multiple reasons.
TOP 20 MOVIES OF ALL-TIME:
it's been too long since i've compiled one of my beloved lists. lists bring me a sense of calm, peace & purity. i can't explain that last one too well. so this is not necessarily the best 20 movies ever, BUT, my favorite...WITH justifications! now plebe, if you disagree with my taste, then it's business time! and if you want beef (carnivore), i will battle dance you in times square to demonstrate superiority. i'll even bring the cardboard box and dress socks for improved agility and maximized move selection.
i'll be here all night talking trash if i don't get to compacting this list. get it? trash...compact? eh!?
so since we all watch movies (minus the true cavemen and blind...tho, if you're blind, you're not really reading this)...i thought this would be fun times. feel free to criticize away (elitist)...agree and receive 3 extra points love from me...or add/subtract away. if you agree with all 20 mind you...i might be holding a super secret spoonfest marathon where we will watch all 20 in sequence with no drinks/snacks or potty breaks which could actually turn into more of a torture session than anything. so don't agree on all 20 then...unless you're some sort of vein-chopping masochist. eee...
THE LIST! in reverse order for added suspense and enhanced blood pressure issues.
20. The Fountain (2006) - i absolutely love and hate this movie. it just eked into my list because it blows my mind and makes me furious at the same time. any film that can do that deserves at least a slot in the basement. plus hugh jackman floating zero-gravity-style in outerspace doing backflips among the stars. for real.
19. Super Size Me (2004) - everyone that breathes and eats and does their own laundry should watch this documentary. i used to show this to my Spanish students even though it has absolutely nothing to do with Spanish because i didn't want them to get mcfunky. if the scale isn't your newest or oldest besty, then this badboy might be the pillow talk your value meal inspired appetite needs.
18. The Cell (2000) - i like this movie mostly because it's like the most gorgeous and unsettling series of nightmares i think anyone could have. it's almost like...wow, it'd be awesome to have that nightmare because it's so visually stimulating, and then my better half says...waking up to a potential adult diaper change - not so awesome.
17. Whipped (2000) - this would categorize as my alpha male, beer guzzling, frat boyesque guilty pleasure. there is nothing smart, classy or at all good about this movie...it's just masculinity gone foul. unfortunately i can recite the entire thing verbatum and i've made everyone i ever love watch it with me. kind of like american pie featuring grown-ups, only more crass. ouch.
16. The Town (2010) - deep down dark inside my guts cave...i've always been fascinated with robbery and heists. ben affleck does not suck in this movie, rather he rocks it. i don't see myself changing careers because of its subtle influence on my character, but it secretly makes me want to hi-five those who manage to get away with it. not WWJD! lots of shooting & bawwwston accents too...which is fun.
15. Unfaithful (2002) - i like this movie for 2 reasons mainly. 1) because someone was twisted enough in the head to bring their baby to the theatre to share the viewing experience w/me (screaming the entire time...as someone shouts from the crowd, "shut up the effing kid"...lol) & 2) it just makes me unexplicably uncomfortable. watching this movie kinda sorta makes me want to have my reproductive organs removed. THAT intense.
14. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) - anyone who really knows me or has seen me put on a show with my cousin Walt knows i love nonsense. i'm actually 97 times more likely to laugh at something that makes no sense at all than a joke with humorous intent. because of that MP&tHG is legendary. bonus: the french soldiers in the castle tops...some of the most unique and priceless insults of all-time.
13. The American (2010) - i've been repping this one a lot lately and spreading the word for a couple reasons. A) george clooney makes james bond look like a rent-a-clown who performs at 10-year-old's bday parties, and B) the scenery is breath-taking. also, GC is obsessed with butterflies which is odd but intriguing. i won't talk about the brothel.
12. Major League (1989) - charlie sheen's best! hands down my fave sports movie ever. plus it reps ohio's (best state in the u.s.) filthiest big city - believeland!
11. Meet Joe Black (1998) - for the diner scene alone if not for the rest. that scene made me want to be the smoothest man since snack pack banana cream pie pudding! so what if it failed...BP knocks it out & clair forlani is kinda strange, but pretty nonetheless. also, this movie takes the award for best scene ever featuring peanut butter...which is maybe my 3rd or 4th favorite food ever. or is it a condiment? either way...
10. Black Hawk Down (2001) - not to be negative, but any movie where orlando bloom's character dies way too soon is alright with me! on the positive, this movie is super accurate (per soldiers who were there and the book) & somalia has always been one of my top 3 honeymoon destinations (bring your AK babe!). mogadishu is a whole nother flavor of paradise!
9. Out Cold (2001) - by all means another guilty pleasure. the more you watch this movie though, the more you love all the dumb humor written within. pigpen alone makes it worth the 2hrs. added bonus: this is jeremy london's biggest hit before he went into rehab multiple times. thanks for getting the job done before giving into the demons! ok, not nice, but it wouldn't be the same without him & zach galifianakis.
8. 300 (2006) - not to sound like a flaming lovechild or anything...but i think all men can appreciate the unrealistic shredded cheese flavor of this sausage party gone wild. i've probably watched this about 400 times give or take before hitting the gym. mind you, i look like gerard butler's 11 year old version body double, but inspiration is key when going everyday. i can only imagine the boost in steroid sales after this juice-bomb came out. hubba hubba the queen too. leonidas is one lucky rascal.
7a. Garden State (2004) - maybe the most artistic of the 20. tons of dry humor mixed in with great music and massive swells of depression occasionally pounding the bleak shores of hope.
7b. The Science of Sleep (2006) - this is 7b because it's the ONLY film that slipped my mind that absolutely has to be on this list. tsos is like one massive dream state gone awry. the main character who's an insanely talented actor (gael garcia bernal) lives his entire life lost to what is real and what is not. super screwy and whimsy...could trigger subtle epileptic cases. odd as all get out, romantic and strange as the day you were born.
6. This Is Spinal Tap (1984) - if for nothing, my adolescent side would watch this over and over again for the performance of "Sex Farm" in Japan. a spoof documentary with buckets and buckets of british rock, spandex pants & mullets when they were prime stylin'. nigel tufnel owns the stage. if you watch this with me, we can take turns peeing our pants (bring the plastic slip cover!).
5. A Very Long Engagament (2004) - audrey tautou with polio...*sigh*. shot in old school france/paris, lots of wittty humor, tons of heartbreak, inspiration, some war & body parts splattering and the best lighthouse scene you'll ever see. every time i watch this gem i get the chills in the bones.
4. The Beach (2000) - 2% of me loves this because i watched it first when i lived in mexico and got all excited to see an american film there. the scenery is the best of any movie i've ever seen by a landslide (thailand...kho phi phi...INSANE). leo kills a shark, travels solo like a rockstar, catches fish and finds himself a french beauty. the video game part is a bit weird i know and kinda makes me feel like i'm inside of a seizure, but other than that. a true classic.
3. Man On Fire (2004) - denzel washington rips the entire capital city of mexico a new b-hole. not really, but if there were ever a facial definition of B.A., it'd be D.W. in man on fire. bonus: he reads the bible & knows it inside out while overcoming alcoholism = hardcore + kills bad guys with zero remorse + extra hardcore. i watched this movie every night going to bed for 8 straight months...no joke. i don't even think that's healthy.
2. Amelie (2001) - too many to list but i'll try. 1. i only like/crush on 2 celebrity females, audrey tautou is #1 and she is incredible in this art nouveau romantic comedy. very trendy little film. 2. it's shot mostly in montmartre, paris...my absolute fave district of the city of lights. 3. it's weird, in an amazing way 4. the music is outstanding 5. it's in french and the subtitles don't bug me a bit 6. every character in the movie is loaded with quirks and i love me some quirky people! if this award winner doesn't make you happy/smile nothing will.
duh duh duh duhhh...
drum
roll...
cinnamon
roll...
tootsie
roll...
1. Braveheart (1995) - no contest. melly mel the racist (boo, i wish he weren't nuts in real life) goes bananas on england with a 75lb. 8ft. long sword...or so it seems. this puppy has it all, romance, drama, action, suspense, bludgeoning of heads with blunt objects (mush), decapitation (chop), a set of antlers jammed into some guy's aorta (grunt), a sword up the john thomas region, a mace crushing some guy down to the skull in bed (crunch), burning alive, a prince's gay lover being thrown out of a 5th story window onto a draw bridge (splat), horseback riding like never before, hanging, severed limbs & much much more. if you're a man and you don't love braveheart, then well...you're no man baby. ;) along with Man on Fire, Braveheart is also absolutely epic when it comes to vengeance and fighting for love & what you believe in. i have definitely watched this over 500 times (well, not the whole thing)...it makes me want to crush everything bad & make love to my bride. what else can give you that combo?!?!? you don't win best picture for nothin'!
some honorable mention because those last 3 or 4 were tough cookies to sort out.
big top peewee, apocalypto, gladiator, the notebook, blade trinity, return to the blue lagoon, office space, the international, passion of the Christ, romeo + juliet, babel, domino, falling down
NOW...what am i missing? w/billy wallace on the scene...NADA!
soon to follow...a list of the 20 worst, which'll be much funnier & joyous to read/write.
MUSIC TO DO LIFE TO (5 FILTHY SWEET PLAYLISTS YOU DON'T HAVE):
i've got a double pane window half full glass of free time open this evening and was like..dang, all these great songs keep coming on and man...what i'd do to break dance all over your kitchen counter right now. IT FEELS RIGHT! oh man i got a whole zoo of very rare and ferocious animals in my bones! so it is then my duty as the iTunes master to share some of this love with all of your shiny, very pretty faces. yes, i realize that maybe 2 of you will comment on this and it will therefore feel like a wasted effort, but it shalln't be. as you know i do not claim to be the best-looking, smartest, most talented, interesting, funniest or most fit guy ever...but I HAVE GREAT TASTE IN MUSIC DANGIT!!! and if you don't like it, you can go shove that negativity in a treehole full of angry bees and starving beavers (imagine also that your limb (limb...ha!) is a prosthetic...of wood.
anyhoo...i'm just kinda poking around my library and going to share 11 songs (cause 10 is for unoriginal suckas!) from a few different, very lengthy and self-titled genres (in bold) for all of your gummy ears to gobble up. NOM NOM NOM! if you want to return the flavor (i know a few of you who might!)...bring it. 2 of my new fave bands ever were from FB friend suggestions. i have in return promised to house their retired parents once they hit 85+...which could prove costly and poor bargaining on my part. alas...here are the lists! prepareth the jive turkey who impatiently sleeps dormant in your guts.
WORKOUT UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE THE GRIM REAPER'S YOUR ACTUAL SPOTTER
1. this blood - black lab
2. M4, Pt. 2 - faunts***
3. empathy - crystal castles
4. hey you (crystal fighters remix) - pony pony run run
5. fulcrum and lever - the faint
6. starting over - the crystal method
7. just like you imagined - nine inch nails
8. steam machine - daft punk
9. hope song - rock kills kid
10. perique - louque
11. welcome to bangkok - brand new
I THINK I LOVE YOU, WAIT, YES... OR NO, THE SONG DID IT, NO, WAIT, YEAH
1. oh my stars - andrew belle
2. a thousand years - brandtson
3. mono no aware - hammock***
4. joshua radin - what if you
5. provocations of starman jr. - wolftron
6. sway - buc runga
7. ride - cary brothers
8. the city lights - umbrellas
9. on your side - pete yorn
10. i'll see your heart and i'll raise you mine - bell x1
11. brightest - copeland
DISCO PILLOW FIGHT IN SPANDEX NEON PAJAMAS AND FERRARI POSTER WALL PAPER
1. skeleton boy - friendly fires
2. if i ever feel better - phoenix***
3. let's get physical - black ghosts
4. i'm making eyes at you - black kids
5. dawn of the dead - does it offend you, yeah?
6. when we first kissed - hellogoodbye
7. shake a fist - hot chip
8. lady - modjo
9. higher than the stars - the pains of being pure at heart
10. sleepyhead - passion pit
11. saturdays - cut copy
HEY HONEY IT'S TIME TO MAKE ANOTHER MINIATURE VERSION OF US
1. feels like home - basement jaxx
2. we're looking for a whole lot of love - hot chip
3. the comedown - black gold
4. colorblind - counting crows
5. something about us - daft punk
6. my moon my man - feist
7. the great estates - freelance whales
8. sacred place - future of forestry
9. time flies - lykke li
10. come on get higher - matt nathanson
11. swimming in the flood - passion pit***
I SAW YOU GLISTENING AT THE BEACH AND I THINK THIS IS SERIOUS
1. messy enough - the radio dept.***
2. each other's ghosts - geographer
3. tell me (clock opera remix) - au revoir simone
4. spinning - jack's mannequin
5. teen angst - m83
6. 14 candles - plushgun
7. normandie - shout out louds
8. feel.love.thinking.of - faunts
9. sandwiches (body language edit) - body language
10. smile upon me - passion pit
11. she paints me blue - something corporate
THE 45-MINUTE HEADRUSH OF THOUGHTS:
CITIZENS, FRIENDS, HOTDOG LOVERS, KITE FLYERS & FIRE FIGHTERS,
every now and again...i find a small place in the world that invokes much thought. for some it's mcdonalds playland, the penguin exhibit at the zoo...maybe even the produce section at your local grocer (wink wink). it seems that i have found a little pocket of joy in the discomfort and punishment of the dentist. while they're busy gouging my whole face off (it feels), i've realized that the stream of thoughts that flow through my head in the attempted and forced distraction is more outrageous than drinking a bowl of melted circus peanuts through a silly straw (imagine the headache). some of them even had me laughing out loud to myself with sharp tools in my mouth...which edward dentisthands did not care for much, but what can ya do??? some of these apply to you all, some are hilarious (to me at least), some are meaningful (don't be so surprised), and some of them are as worthless as an AIDS victim at a blood drive. tasteless...
anyways, here goes in bullet style format for you OG's and street cleaners! because i haven't written much for anyone's amusement lately, i give you this dumpster fire of imagination. so hop on board the cotton candy express.
+ does anyone here remember my "Deer Diaries" idea about keeping detailed accounts of a deer colony and writing them up as memoirs? talk about a real money maker. now someone's going to steal this and become a millionaire because they know the "right people" and i don't. :(
+ i've realized over the past couple of months that everytime i go to church, i get teary-eyed at some point. this is probably because i need it/want it/crave it/love it so much. now THAT, is keepin' it real.
+ there is either peanut butter, or paint on next to everything i own. this is sure to include, but not limited to my bedding, pillow cases & pillows, rug, desk, face (at 30 i still can't eat a sandwich properly i guess), shoes, favorite sweatpants & so on & so forth. anyone who has seen the digs lately can attest to this. unacceptable.
+ i want to start a line of bumper stickers using the infamous "i'd rather be" line...but with common but very specific tasks/things. i.e. could you imagine how awesome it'd be to see a Dodge Neon drive by with a bumper sticker that said, "i'd rather be making whole wheat pie crust", or "i'd rather be showing the neighbors my family photo album", or perhaps best yet, "i'd rather be wiping toothpaste spots off of the bathroom mirror". i'm probably the only one who appreciates this...ehhh.
+ apparently no one in town is willing to accept my Wal-Mart Vision Center Prescription card as payment (even with my signature on it!). therefore...i have found something better. if you go out to eat w/me, or go anywhere for that matter...prepare for a shameless encounter. i think this even tops the Saddam Hussein Iraqi money i used to give the personalityless cashiers at Taco Bell. they LOVED it.
+ after all these years, i still love Elvis Presley movies. i only have 2 now (i think someone stole my "Fun in Acapulco" dvd when i was in ohio)...but i love them.
+ i want to go to San Antonio and eat at Dick's Last Resort on the riverwalk and have a witty insult-battlefest with the server...dominate them, and make them feel like a third world peasant child. it's the first thing i plan to do when i go...whenever that is...
+ i think bad kids and bad dogs are AWESOME. i can't help it. i love them.
+ i'm considering early deployment, but who knows. it's a big thought...but i've got nothing holding me back...no strings, or anything like that. doubtful, but hey. ahh, i don't like talking about work...next topic.
+ "if your head is made of butter, don't sit next to the fire" ...how about that for a Martin Luther quote!!! about fighting temptation...very crafty that minx. i'm impressed. i also like butter references...so that's a double winner.
+ "i am here to make things fun" ...i love this quote. it will be my motto from the day i get out of the service until i die. i do my best now, but it's not too easy in my current place. if you know who said it, i'll give you an e-hi-five...just place your palm >>>here.
+ today, and everyday is good, because it was a gift from God. period my friends.
+ maybe i'm just being optimistic, but i think that this year, could be THE year. if you know me well, or at all actually...you'll figure this out no prob bob.
+ is there anyone i love, who kind of loves me...or doesn't want to die a little bit or chop their arms off with rusty steak knives when thinking about me who might want to visit over the 4th of july weekend? i'm full of shiny surprises and willing to show you around this big dumb state. :P i just miss all the people i never get to see anymore. rats rats rats.
+ it's (still) almost never where you are, but almost always who you're with. i think that you can have tons of fun no matter where you are, if you're with the right people or person. :)
+ if i am ever the king of anything, i want it to be the king of making perfect strangers extremely uncomfortable. to me, there is no joy in life like baffling the mind of a cashier, server, salesman...etc. egenerally to the point where they're either lost or better yet, just not impressed at all and more mindblown at the lack of humor than anything. this is my favorite.
+ as many of you know, i waste (well, some would say waste) ridiculous amounts of time and hours digging up and searching for good, highly tasty and nutritious obscure bands/songs. on that note, i have a few specific friends (SLOGAN.T.B) who ask for mix cd's...blah blah blah...anyway, if you want me to make 5 mix cds for you of tons of fun/interesting/delicious bands and their best tracks, just message me and we'll make it happen. i might ask you for a favor in return (like allowing me to hide out in your basement for 8-10 years...shh...) , but i imagine it'd be worth it.
+ does anybody else remember "ULTRA POCKETS"!?!? 24g of protein...are you kidding me!?!?
+ many people would consider me a classic prude (no partying/getting wasted/smoking/girlybars/swearing..etc), but i promise that if you go to chuck e cheese with me, i will do my best to make you pee your pants (just a little bit...not enough for anyone else to notice but you) a few times. too much hilarity there. PLUS it's one of the few places on earth where you can spend $50+ dollars and walk away with 1) a temporary tattoo, 2) some glow in the dark plastic vampire teeth, 3) a keychain if you clean up, & 4) a chinese finger trap. honestly...who doesn't love that!???
+ next time you go to say "oh baby", try substituting "FETUS" for "BABY" and see what kind of reaction you get.
+ last is a photo of my final painting for a long time. i am exhausted of paintings and i should really begin to focus on my writing again before my brain becomes southern elementary mush. it's titled XXXX, don't ask why...because i don't know either. it wieghs about 15lbs. due to all the letters and mirror. i expect absolutely no one to buy it, so i'll call it my own and make it my canvas orphan until i've a legitimate home for it. the nice thing about it is that it actually has visual substance...and a shattered, reflective spinal cord.
+ i love all of you and miss some of your faces (the better looking ones) more than others. if you're blood, that helps whether your kind of ugly or not. :) jk...i love all of your bones.
THE 45-MINUTE HEADRUSH OF THOUGHTS:
CITIZENS, FRIENDS, HOTDOG LOVERS, KITE FLYERS & FIRE FIGHTERS,
every now and again...i find a small place in the world that invokes much thought. for some it's mcdonalds playland, the penguin exhibit at the zoo...maybe even the produce section at your local grocer (wink wink). it seems that i have found a little pocket of joy in the discomfort and punishment of the dentist. while they're busy gouging my whole face off (it feels), i've realized that the stream of thoughts that flow through my head in the attempted and forced distraction is more outrageous than drinking a bowl of melted circus peanuts through a silly straw (imagine the headache). some of them even had me laughing out loud to myself with sharp tools in my mouth...which edward dentisthands did not care for much, but what can ya do??? some of these apply to you all, some are hilarious (to me at least), some are meaningful (don't be so surprised), and some of them are as worthless as an AIDS victim at a blood drive. tasteless...
anyways, here goes in bullet style format for you OG's and street cleaners! because i haven't written much for anyone's amusement lately, i give you this dumpster fire of imagination. so hop on board the cotton candy express.
+ does anyone here remember my "Deer Diaries" idea about keeping detailed accounts of a deer colony and writing them up as memoirs? talk about a real money maker. now someone's going to steal this and become a millionaire because they know the "right people" and i don't. :(
+ i've realized over the past couple of months that everytime i go to church, i get teary-eyed at some point. this is probably because i need it/want it/crave it/love it so much. now THAT, is keepin' it real.
+ there is either peanut butter, or paint on next to everything i own. this is sure to include, but not limited to my bedding, pillow cases & pillows, rug, desk, face (at 30 i still can't eat a sandwich properly i guess), shoes, favorite sweatpants & so on & so forth. anyone who has seen the digs lately can attest to this. unacceptable.
+ i want to start a line of bumper stickers using the infamous "i'd rather be" line...but with common but very specific tasks/things. i.e. could you imagine how awesome it'd be to see a Dodge Neon drive by with a bumper sticker that said, "i'd rather be making whole wheat pie crust", or "i'd rather be showing the neighbors my family photo album", or perhaps best yet, "i'd rather be wiping toothpaste spots off of the bathroom mirror". i'm probably the only one who appreciates this...ehhh.
+ apparently no one in town is willing to accept my Wal-Mart Vision Center Prescription card as payment (even with my signature on it!). therefore...i have found something better. if you go out to eat w/me, or go anywhere for that matter...prepare for a shameless encounter. i think this even tops the Saddam Hussein Iraqi money i used to give the personalityless cashiers at Taco Bell. they LOVED it.
+ after all these years, i still love Elvis Presley movies. i only have 2 now (i think someone stole my "Fun in Acapulco" dvd when i was in ohio)...but i love them.
+ i want to go to San Antonio and eat at Dick's Last Resort on the riverwalk and have a witty insult-battlefest with the server...dominate them, and make them feel like a third world peasant child. it's the first thing i plan to do when i go...whenever that is...
+ i think bad kids and bad dogs are AWESOME. i can't help it. i love them.
+ i'm considering early deployment, but who knows. it's a big thought...but i've got nothing holding me back...no strings, or anything like that. doubtful, but hey. ahh, i don't like talking about work...next topic.
+ "if your head is made of butter, don't sit next to the fire" ...how about that for a Martin Luther quote!!! about fighting temptation...very crafty that minx. i'm impressed. i also like butter references...so that's a double winner.
+ "i am here to make things fun" ...i love this quote. it will be my motto from the day i get out of the service until i die. i do my best now, but it's not too easy in my current place. if you know who said it, i'll give you an e-hi-five...just place your palm >>>here.
+ today, and everyday is good, because it was a gift from God. period my friends.
+ maybe i'm just being optimistic, but i think that this year, could be THE year. if you know me well, or at all actually...you'll figure this out no prob bob.
+ is there anyone i love, who kind of loves me...or doesn't want to die a little bit or chop their arms off with rusty steak knives when thinking about me who might want to visit over the 4th of july weekend? i'm full of shiny surprises and willing to show you around this big dumb state. :P i just miss all the people i never get to see anymore. rats rats rats.
+ it's (still) almost never where you are, but almost always who you're with. i think that you can have tons of fun no matter where you are, if you're with the right people or person. :)
+ if i am ever the king of anything, i want it to be the king of making perfect strangers extremely uncomfortable. to me, there is no joy in life like baffling the mind of a cashier, server, salesman...etc. egenerally to the point where they're either lost or better yet, just not impressed at all and more mindblown at the lack of humor than anything. this is my favorite.
+ as many of you know, i waste (well, some would say waste) ridiculous amounts of time and hours digging up and searching for good, highly tasty and nutritious obscure bands/songs. on that note, i have a few specific friends (SLOGAN.T.B) who ask for mix cd's...blah blah blah...anyway, if you want me to make 5 mix cds for you of tons of fun/interesting/delicious bands and their best tracks, just message me and we'll make it happen. i might ask you for a favor in return (like allowing me to hide out in your basement for 8-10 years...shh...) , but i imagine it'd be worth it.
+ does anybody else remember "ULTRA POCKETS"!?!? 24g of protein...are you kidding me!?!?
+ many people would consider me a classic prude (no partying/getting wasted/smoking/girlybars/swearing..etc), but i promise that if you go to chuck e cheese with me, i will do my best to make you pee your pants (just a little bit...not enough for anyone else to notice but you) a few times. too much hilarity there. PLUS it's one of the few places on earth where you can spend $50+ dollars and walk away with 1) a temporary tattoo, 2) some glow in the dark plastic vampire teeth, 3) a keychain if you clean up, & 4) a chinese finger trap. honestly...who doesn't love that!???
+ next time you go to say "oh baby", try substituting "FETUS" for "BABY" and see what kind of reaction you get.
+ last is a photo of my final painting for a long time. i am exhausted of paintings and i should really begin to focus on my writing again before my brain becomes southern elementary mush. it's titled XXXX, don't ask why...because i don't know either. it wieghs about 15lbs. due to all the letters and mirror. i expect absolutely no one to buy it, so i'll call it my own and make it my canvas orphan until i've a legitimate home for it. the nice thing about it is that it actually has visual substance...and a shattered, reflective spinal cord.
+ i love all of you and miss some of your faces (the better looking ones) more than others. if you're blood, that helps whether your kind of ugly or not. :) jk...i love all of your bones.
10 ORIGINAL QUOTES TO LIVE/DIE BY:
sometimes i get in this spree where i feel like every bizarre thought engine that passes through my brainstation is some glorious quote. then again, i also realize that if i'm lucky, the most press they'll ever get is maybe on the back of some pint-sized, low s.e.s. elementary school milk box (shout out JS)...next to the missing kids...or something odd like that. BUT, that does not suck the glittery goodness out of them! rarity is sometimes the "i do" in quality. don't try to fit those letters in...they don't. like, there's no "i" in team. and then some wise butthole says, but there's a "me". well, i'll put a twist on that one here in a sec. anyway...here are ten quotes or nuggets of advice that i find either inspirational/witty/funny/dumb/amusing or generally worthless. if you want more of these gems, message me and i will send you a new quote every other day of the week until you're sick of me/them (laborious)...or, my next book hopes to have around 100 of them. que joyeria!!! don't crucify me for not having accents on my spanish either...i'm tired like goodyear. ooh clever!
here they are. i'll call them...hmm...the 10 Chandeliers. (sounds like a nerdy 50's band huh?)
1. "NEVER trust the last bite of ANYTHING." (i do live by this one religiously)
2. "Don't ask the grown man with the Star Wars tshirt for advice on women."
3. "Life is too short to be patient." Conversely, "Life is too short to be impatient."
4. "Never make a big decision at an emotional peek or valley. You will always make your best ones where things are clear at sea level."
5. "Worry hard for the person who does not like dogs."
6. "There's no "I" in TEAM, but there is "MEAT" if you scramble the letters around a bit."
7. "Muscle definition is much more than being sexy or having killer delts, it's actually a noun, a verb, an adjective and an instigator for a lot of monkey business."
8. "Do not EVER underestimate the unforgiving and punishing nature of a high protein diet."
9. "Next time someone dumps you, don't say they crushed your heart. Instead use "bludgeoned" to provide a more visceral, medieval and graphic effect."
10. "Everyone is a world-class photographer in Paris."
ok, so maybe they're not the best. BUT, i managed to gobble up one or two minutes of your high calorie night and maybe got you to crack a grin. either way, i'm trying to write more...for the sake of keeping the digits loose. hopefully these 10 little numbers put a little extra spike in your football punch. if you found one particular quote that tickles your ribs a bit more than the others...please feel free to share so. have a goodnight all.
every juicy ounce of my medium-rare love,
sk
TOP 10 WORST CANDIES OF ALL-TIME:
even though i am no longer much of a candy gobbler, i am by no means oblivious to the fact that there are still a lot of sweets out there that just suck. this is my bold-faced attempt to desecrate those sugary delights that i never thought deserved space in my 99 cent, plastic handled pumpkin on october 31st. even though there is still very much a side of me that holds great resentment to "those people" who handed out apples & five pennies at halloween, in my elder years, i am at least grateful that they didn't taint my bag'o'goodies with these unacceptable, barely edible sucrose creations.
which makes me think...does anyone else have a grandma or a friend who makes a Christmas tin of assorted cookies where the good flavored, tasty ones are forced to mingle with the sick and odd ones...which results in a peanut butter cookie that tastes like a cherry coconut piece of trash? tangent.
anyhoo...here are the unfortunate and socially disgraced top 10 worst candies ever. i do my best to explain my logic. if you disagree, then you are wrong. haha...all this coming from a guy who can't taste a thing. whatever...26 years of tasting experience lends me the credibility to write this minty fresh gem.
the top 10, from bad to worst.
10. Sour Patch Kids.
i know i'm going to step on some major toes here but hear me out. A: besides the red, they all suck. only a select few oddballs really LIKE orange, green or yellow (almost no one) and B: after a couple of handfuls, these frosty kids will destroy your tongue and the roof of your mouth...especially if you're more of a sucker than straight chewer.
9. Candy Canes.
nothing is more depressing than associating one of my favorite holidays ever with one of the most worthless candies ever. every time Santa Clause gave me one of these as a child, i wanted to punch him for being tasteless and inconsiderate. nowadays, i just think they suck...and that very few actually enjoy them. plus the hook in the cane always makes for sticky and awkward facial contact.
8. Jujubes.
If you care AT ALL about your teeth or dental work...STAY AWAY. FAR AWAY. these ruthless little goo dots will rip your fillings out faster than you can chew a rare steak.
7. Good & Plenty.
these are just gross. i always see them at the movie theater and think about how bad they smell and how the word plenty is in the name because there's far too many to actually consume. the candy shell confuses me as well.
6. Maple Nut Goodies.
i think my bizarre stepdad is the only person in the world that still likes these. to me, these are the quinessential old people candy. it's like, i'm going to give you something healthy (a nut) and coat it in some sick and unidentifiable tan coating. they feel kind of clayish too.
5. Peeps.
seasonal. disgusting. i've only met one person in my life who likes these. unacceptable. shameless.
4. Necco Wafers.
pastel chalk discs. there's even brown ones. SICK.
3. Circus Peanuts.
if the color alone doesn't give you the shakes, the consistency will. these wretched delights are reserved for only the oldest of old school sweet tooths. my grandpa really likes these. they're like a vomitous colored little sponge in your mouth that taste like who knows what? what in the world do these taste like? why do they feel like a memory foam pillow in my mouth? just terrible. terrible.
2. Candy Corn.
they are seasonal for a reason folks! i have probably argued against the favor of candy corn between 15-20 times. i've probably never gotten into more arguments about any other single thing in my life. first off, they're ugly. they're like wax teeth to me. they're not even pure wax (like a starburst)...they're a mix of like, 80% wax and 20% grainy sugar. that's horrible. they have no specific taste because all they taste like is sugar. they're highly inexpensive because they're cheap as dirt to make and they taste like it. if you like candy corns, shame on you. seriously...shame on you.
1. the orange and black things.
this one actually almost makes me angry. if you're 100 years old and you give me these on halloween...i am flat out furious. i say this because i noticed a serious trend in the senior citizens of our fine society handing this satanic candy out most. i don't care if your parents ate dinner on the regular with john smith and pocahontas...there is no acceptable reason to give these out. they're something like 99 cents for a 10lb. bag and it blows my mind that they're even in business still. no one knows what they're called because everyone throws them away as soon as they get home. to me, giving these to nice children is almost as bad as gifting them illegal drugs. these are the strongest slap in the face when it comes to candy giving. i'm getting angry just writing this. i have to stop because my blood pressure is most likely rising. i hate this candy. it doesn't even have a proper name!!!
now that i have this off my chest, i hope some of you contribute with your thoughts and opinions. it's important to me that i leave no disgusting sweets off of this list. if i've offended you and slammed one of your faves...bring it. i can back up my gangster talk anyday when it comes to sucky candies.
honorable mention: charleston chew, zero, the pink chalky things, red hots, mary janes, sno caps & peppermint discs.
TOP 10 WORST MARRIAGE PROPOSAL RESPONSES EVER:
this is just in my opinion the worst ten things i could ever imagine hearing after asking the almighty, "will you marry me?". i've had a VERY busy couple of days and needed some quick stress/comic relief...so i'm whipping up this five-minute delight and sharing it with all of your sticky ethnic faces because maybe you're having the same issue. some are more practical than others of course, but hopefully this list will make you laugh inside your throat one way or the other.
counting down...for dramatic effect of course...
10. "was that just a serious question?"
9. "okay...i guess"
8. "so this means then...that i only get to be with one guy for the rest of my life?"
7. "look, i really do like you, but this is still just our first date...umm...i should really get going, it's late (6:45 pm) and i have yoga in the morning."
6. "well it does suit me quite well financially..."
5. "i would love to say yes, but i ate my last two spouses...(deep sigh)"
4. "your look-a-like brother asked first...i feel bad..."
3. "i'm sorry, i have actually fallen in love with one of the characters from my Magic card trading set...i hope you understand."
2. "first i should tell you that i have three live-in kids...who actually happen to be goats."
dum
dum
daaa....
1. "i have aids."
feel free to play along, tag a favorite, add any winners you can think of or tell me how i accidentally offended you.
much love to my boyz sippin that malt liquor in the hood and peace in the middle east!
10 ALBUMS YOU SHOULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT:
sometimes i think i write these for myself more than others...so that when i'm a ripe 97 and on my facebook wondering which compact discs to buy for my 17 year old great grandson, i can be like ohhhhh yeah. then again, if even one person gets a good idea or finds something they like from one of these little sonic treasures, then i'm happy with that. i am not the say all like spin magazine or that weird slightly obese guy at the used record store with the big curly hair, dirty corduroy pants and patchy beard pretends to be, but i like to think i do have exquisite taste in movies/music/clothes/girl...etc. :) maybe i'm totally wrong. maybe i'm old & dying and have no idea what i'm talking about. maybe i'm young & wise and know exactly what i'm talking about. maybe i'm a sagitarius. maybe i like carrots...etc. etc. anyhoo...here's a list of my ten favorite cd's (in totality...not just 2 good tracks) of all-time. i will give a little description next to each that way, if you like the style of music...maybe you go check them out yeah? i don't wanna sound like too much of a hippy here, but support good music...you rascal you. and don't give me any crap because there aren't any older than 1998. i don't like old music...so go eat bad eggs.
here they be...in no particular ranking order. artist, then album, then descrip.
1. passion pit - manners ...mind & heart candy. funky/smart/playful/dance
2. pete yorn - live from new jersey ...gritty/soulful/rock/american
3. abbreviated daylight - a place is just a people box ...loopy beats/romantic electronic/fun
4. brand new - the devil and god are raging inside of me ...rock/good vs. evil spiritual battle
5. jack's mannequin - everything in transit ...piano rock/pop/lighthearted mushy/beachy
6. white rose movement - kick ...indiepunk/insane beats/edgy/synthy/lyrical madness/british
7. basement jaxx - kish kash ...cardio dream/electropassion/dance party/like speed
8. owen - at home with owen ...relax/acoustic/mellow/dreamy
9. sade - best of ...best of is kinda cheating but it's soooo chill/love/intimacy/groove
10. shout out louds - our ill wills ...dreamy/euro/cowbellish/keyboard/playful/pop
ELITIST BABY NAMES:
it seems that recently, a lot of my friends are making lots of little versions of themselves with their other halves. spending so much time in the chemistry lab'o'lovers can be exhausting i imagine, so i've taken it upon myself to make a 100% juicy list of flavorful names for you reproduction types out there. i do list everything yes. that being said, you have to admit that these firsts and middles are one notch on the belt above your wealthy neighbor's best. pretentious can be good, as long as the child knows how to pronounce it, spell it, and autograph it on all of their fans' collarbones when they get famous. ooh lala. here they are...feel free to ignore, comment, roll your eyes, roll your car, roll roll roll your boat to these...if they're that terrible. if you like them, are married, and don't look like shrek...please, turn on something airy and vibrant...burn some cinnamon and make science pretty again.
boys
rhys
augusten / august(e)
grey
ezra
kasper
jasper
kristian
finn
ephraim
carroll
penn (middle)
emile
julien
phoenix (middle)
jasper
vaughan (middle)
camden (middle)
lennox
lucien
archer
lennon
kannon
cade
luca (middle)
girls
ophelia
juliette
valentina
mathilde
amelie
aurelia
konstantine
english
verilly
penelope
elodie
josette
alessandra
10 BODY-DESTROYING TUNES TO KEEP YOU DRIVEN IN THE GYM:
i like anyone with a pulse and two hands lose motivation at the gym after x amount of months, weeks, whatever. when i feel like dying, or like i'd rather be 400lbs. eating whomplers for breakfast, lunch and dinner, i need the proper jam to give me that delicious mental boost. music is like drugs when used properly...but good drugs! not the kind that you place under your tongue or leave delightful scars on the inside of your elbow. anyhoo...if you download these 10 songs, whether it be legally (good on you!), or illegally (RASCAL!)...YOU ARE GUARANTEED to look like Gerard Butler from 300, or Jessica Biel in just 3 slim weeks. I promise...now trust me and get these jams.
TITLE - then, ARTIST.
1. Touched - Vast
2. Starting Over - Crystal Method
3. Idiot Drugs - White Rose Movement
4. This Blood - Black Lab
5. Shake a Fist - Hot Chip
6. Courtship Dating - Crystal Castles
7. Hope Song - Rock Kills Kid
8. Take Me to the Hospital - The Faint
9. Plans (Mogwai Remix) - Bloc Party
10. Just Like You Imagined - Nine Inch Nails
well there it is! get to downloading asap so you can save quarters for the meters, skip the laundrymat next month and clean your clothes on your disgustingly glistening abdominals! life is sweet!
25 RANDOM THOUGHTS:
1. technically, your wedding day should be the worst day of your wedded life...thinking that, every day together should be better than the next...more in love.
2. i like giving money to beggars. i don't care if burger king is hiring.
3.losing your smell and taste sucks...but not as bad as losing your favorite hamster because his hamster wife killed him and buried him beneath the wheel overnight because she finally gave birth to her kids.
4. there really is no price limit on good underwear, there is no substitue.
5. it's hard to find them, but i LOVE the people who make every place of business a possessed property...like someone owns it. i.e. Wal-Mart's...Kroger's...Hollister's...awesome.
6. i really want a talking parrot so that i can win (or runner-up) Pet Star featuring host Mario Lopez.
7. after 9 years, i am STILL convinced that Sprint has the best cellphone service.
8. a tongue depressor is a fabulous susbtitute for a butter knife when desperate to make a peanut butter sandwich.
9. i've found that Owen really is the best musical artist to listen to when you're feeling blue.
10. i've found that when a girl (like maria) says, "feeling blue"...my heart warms a bit, cause no one says that...they only say that in old movies and what not.
11. if blacks & whites were designated by their true skin colors; brown & peach, we could further narrow the racial gap and be less like a chessboard.
12. has anyone seen my Le Promenade painting by Monet bookmark? it's most most favoritest bookmark of all-time and it's gone missing. rats.
13. saying "rats" or "drat" is way better than saying "crap" or "shuit"...or other colorful wordlings.
14. some security company in killeen, texas has the Star Trek logo as their company badge which makes me wonder if any of them have been to any of the awesome conventions?
15. if there were a radio station nearby that played nothing but Christmas music year round, i'd probably listen to it every time i got in my ride.
16. gabriel garcia marquez is hands down my 3rd favorite author ever. you should SERIOUSLY consider reading his works!
17. what would it be like if all trees were Christmas trees? could you imagine how bright and lighty the whole planet would be? ay!!!
18. the nose is by ALL MEANS the most important feature on the face. it is the center piece of the canvas my friends!...tough to recover from a rough sniffer. ;p
19. coke zero truly is a great alternative...that's why all the skinny euro's love it!
20. poetry is going to make a huge comeback...maybe 5,000 years from now, but it is eventual. history is cyclical dangit!
21. clint mansell makes better scores than hans zimmer, but it's close!
22. chewing on the inside of your cheek is a great pasttime until you're driving over really bad traintracks. yeaaaah.
23. if you associate fish with anything, it automatically becomes funnier. i don't know.
24. Pietro Crespi is without question my favorite book character of all time.
25. it's NEVER where you are, but WHO you are with.
2. i like giving money to beggars. i don't care if burger king is hiring.
3.losing your smell and taste sucks...but not as bad as losing your favorite hamster because his hamster wife killed him and buried him beneath the wheel overnight because she finally gave birth to her kids.
4. there really is no price limit on good underwear, there is no substitue.
5. it's hard to find them, but i LOVE the people who make every place of business a possessed property...like someone owns it. i.e. Wal-Mart's...Kroger's...Hollister's...awesome.
6. i really want a talking parrot so that i can win (or runner-up) Pet Star featuring host Mario Lopez.
7. after 9 years, i am STILL convinced that Sprint has the best cellphone service.
8. a tongue depressor is a fabulous susbtitute for a butter knife when desperate to make a peanut butter sandwich.
9. i've found that Owen really is the best musical artist to listen to when you're feeling blue.
10. i've found that when a girl (like maria) says, "feeling blue"...my heart warms a bit, cause no one says that...they only say that in old movies and what not.
11. if blacks & whites were designated by their true skin colors; brown & peach, we could further narrow the racial gap and be less like a chessboard.
12. has anyone seen my Le Promenade painting by Monet bookmark? it's most most favoritest bookmark of all-time and it's gone missing. rats.
13. saying "rats" or "drat" is way better than saying "crap" or "shuit"...or other colorful wordlings.
14. some security company in killeen, texas has the Star Trek logo as their company badge which makes me wonder if any of them have been to any of the awesome conventions?
15. if there were a radio station nearby that played nothing but Christmas music year round, i'd probably listen to it every time i got in my ride.
16. gabriel garcia marquez is hands down my 3rd favorite author ever. you should SERIOUSLY consider reading his works!
17. what would it be like if all trees were Christmas trees? could you imagine how bright and lighty the whole planet would be? ay!!!
18. the nose is by ALL MEANS the most important feature on the face. it is the center piece of the canvas my friends!...tough to recover from a rough sniffer. ;p
19. coke zero truly is a great alternative...that's why all the skinny euro's love it!
20. poetry is going to make a huge comeback...maybe 5,000 years from now, but it is eventual. history is cyclical dangit!
21. clint mansell makes better scores than hans zimmer, but it's close!
22. chewing on the inside of your cheek is a great pasttime until you're driving over really bad traintracks. yeaaaah.
23. if you associate fish with anything, it automatically becomes funnier. i don't know.
24. Pietro Crespi is without question my favorite book character of all time.
25. it's NEVER where you are, but WHO you are with.
