Saturday, February 26, 2011


so it turns out that i'll be away for a week doing some interrogation training.  i know that this will shatter some of your worlds (haha...yeah right), so what i'm going to do is give some nibbles & what nots about what's to come.  mind you...this is all subject to change, but i'll be back in a week to start up with some fresh material.  til then, it's your job (i'm paying slave rates) to continue to push the blog out as much as possible.  :)  THAT WAY...my little creative/motivation fire always has a few more pretty little logs on it to keep things burning bright.

also, before i unleash these myopic topics (makes no sense, i like the rhyme)...i must say that if there is something that catches your mind as intriguing...and you think it'd be fun for me to write about it...or you're just flat out too lazy to do it on your own (slacker), let me know thru here, or the book of face.  i'm always open to suggestions even if i have a jillion ideas of me own!  blighty!


fave or least fave cereals...still deciding
about online dating
functional dog names
things that should get you slapped on a 1st date
girl only foods
the beauty of hair
one-of-a-kind halloween costumes
things the ideal woman should have
painfully depressing movies
sweet books (not that anyone reads anymore)

so that's an appetite-whetter i hope?  if not, i don't think much of you anyway...hehe.  they'll probably all be funny, or at least attempt to be...maybe one serious?  either way...i hope you enjoyed the peanut butter ratings from yesterday.

i have to pack 47,000 lbs. of gear for my week in the field, so have a great night and think of me when you're chillaxing on saturday/sunday...while i have to be at work at 4 a.m. tomorrow.  sad face x1000.

much love to my people in the streets keeping it greasy...

Friday, February 25, 2011


i am a peanut butter expert.  i don't care what you say.

before anyone contests, i know i know, i cannot taste.  but, before i let you get carried away with that little bit of tid, it should be said that peanut butter & i have been tight for LIFE (not the board game, not like wetsuits).  this post could be seen as a mix between a tribute and a report card, but more than anything, it should be seen as a deeply heartfelt love letter from a human being to a condiment.

JIF, i have no beef with you.
wait, beefy peanut butter? mmm!
get your kleenex™ out because my friends, my friends...there have been times where it probably felt like peanut butter was all i had.  yep, that 6 month period of soul-numbing, dreadful loneliness before i got gussie, oh man...i had some weird moments.  nothing like, college experimental stuff...let's not spin this record too far around!  just like, i would find myself talking to inanimate objects more than i would actual people.  wait a minute, whoa! whoa black beauty (or white, latina, i don't care)...i shouldn't dive into that ditch.  this is a happy blog...about one of the first true loves of my life.  we can talk about my south carolina rotting another day.  one when someone needs talking out of suicide & they need a serious one-upping to keep them from making the splat jump.

ok, peanut butter.  jelly (i'm a preserves guy myself - call me an elitist if you must) has nothing to do with this.  to me, a peanut butter sandwich can stand alone and light up a dark room full of frowns, ex-circus employees and axe murderers.  jelly is like lingerie to me.  pb can be naked & gorgeous...it doesn't need accessory or lace, but...every now & again, you want to dress it up for a change of pace.  the moral of the story kids, is that pb alone is just perfect with me.

i will now divulge (i love that word, it sounds so...big & whale-ish) my favorites and most consumed brands/types of pb based on a series of very scientific criteria.  mind you, the taste factor is a bit antiquated, but i can now evaluate more thoroughly than ever...making consistency a serious factor my yellow tractors.  sorry i just called you tractors.

on with it before i ramble too much.

wait, one more thing i have to add.  since my accident, i will say that although i can't taste, certain foods and drinks have a particular "zing factor" that i can't quite explain.  i say this because it is a pretty huge variable in my scoring equation nowadays.  it's like this little tiny tingle in my jaw that almost feels like heart burn is wanting to come up my throat and give me a tiny little massage on my lower mandible.  but it's pleasant, and not much like some big side-burned German Nazi named Johann jamming a flamethrower down my esophagus during WW2.  so that's the zing factor.   had to explain it quick because you'll see it mentioned here in a jif.  hey!

THE CONTENDERS.  (you'll see that i rate everything on a scale of 1-100 for added specificity)

JIF.  - everybody's classic.  the chevy camaro of peanut butters if you will.  i won't say the wal-mart of peanut butters (like i use wal-mart with many other popular & boring things) because it doesn't deserve that.  it did nothing wrong and i do not hate its guts, or its supple ingredients.  to me, this is kind of like, the standard when it comes to peanut butters.  you drive the line here...and go north or south, based on the other pb's differences & characteristics.  i won't lie, it was JIF Creamy that got me thru my life's nastiest spirit beater of a tropical storm in 2006, but JIF Creamy isn't my favorite.  i actually kind of felt like i was cheating on a lover when i switched over (considering all that we had been through together), but my dearest friends/readers...JIF Creamy does not have the zing factor.  it's a bit redundant to say, but i also tend to stray away from most things that are the most popular of their kind because that's usually an easy way for me to identify it as boring or drab.  JIF Creamy is a good peanut butter though and deserves no slander.  it is good, 1% dry in my opinion, a little thick for my particular liking.  she is the cute girl across the street who everyone considers a 7, and a safe bet, but doesn't have any flash or risk associated with her.  choosy moms choose you, but ultimately, i shall choose someone else.

JIF, i give you a 74.

Smart Balance.  - you confused my mouth in so many ways i don't even know what to say.  i bought you three times, almost like...3 first dates, hoping the flame would spark a bit, but you always showed up a few minutes late and never left an impression.

Smart Balance, i give you a 52.

satan's spread wants to eat
your soul inside out.

Great Value. - you're made by wal-mart and sold at their stores.  i hate you for who you are, who you were when we met, and who you've become.  you hold no value to society.  if i recall correctly, somebody served you to me once and as deeply offended and disgusted as i was, i tried you and hated you.  i hate you.  you are caloric trash.  the girl at prom who will go home with any boy, regardless of everything & will most likely find her way into his best friend's bed on the same night, act like nothing happened, go to school the following monday in route 66 jeans and pretend that she still has her dignity. for those of you reading this, if you have Great Value (what a cold lie) in your cabinets, i guarantee you have a garbage can a couple of feet away.  

Great Value, i give you a -11.  it's not all your fault, but it kind of is.

Reese's. - you're en exotic one.  Reese's peanut butter was like the average girl who you knew had it in her to turn the corner to pure hotness...but waited forever to do it.  Reese's, you came into the picture late, but i gave you a chance.  again, it stings a bit to say (bzzz), but Reese's is the one that stole me away from JIF.  not until i got back to ohio though.  i'm not that heartless.  i at least left the area code before making the big switch.  what happened was that i left SC to return to Columbus and dropped down in Westerville (a Cbus suburb) where there was a most peculiar grocery store named Marc's (s'cram backwards) that i became immediately, and very inexplicably fond of.  i still love it.  it's so bizarre.  anyhoo.  Reese's i must say does have the zing factor (#2 ZF on my list) and my beloved Marc's sold it for just $1.50.  i'm only cheap about certain things (primarily dining at chain restaurants by force)...but i couldn't not give it a shot ya know?  we all know and love the candies (most of us anyway, some of us too much)...so it was like, going out with the girl who finally decided to start dating.  Reese's kept my attention for over 2 years until i moved to another side of Westerville where i shopped at a Kroger that did not carry it, and since it was no longer convenient to shop at S'cram...that was it for us (here is where you wipe your eyes).  before final scoring, i should admit that i never technically tasted Reese's, but you know...it is a bit smoother than JIF, has the ZF i like...and was too tempting to pass up trying for $1.50.  so, perhaps the score is skewed?  either way...

Reese's, i give you an 86.

Skippy Natural. - you haven't done a commercial in years, you're kind of hard to find at times, you're a bit more expensive, but i like you.  Skippy Natural has more natural ingredients (obviously, duh), a ton of ZF, isn't too thick & dry like JIF...but for some reason hasn't stayed with me long.  i turned to Skippy Natural when i got to Texas and became bored with JIF again.  see how JIF is kind of like the ex that never goes away?  hehehe.  so i bought you in your blue dress...and you were like, a nice experimental relationship...interesting for a few months.  and that's about it.  i have no interesting stories about Skippy Natural or sales pitches...it's kind of like a Hybrid Jetta in car comparisons.  just kinda' there.  it led me to my new heart though...so i can't be too unkind.  SN took my eyes off JIF once again and opened me up to different options...something we all need after numerous breakups.  this is the one you don't remember.
you hurt me & you know it.

Skippy Natural, i give you a 79.

Skippy Natural with Honey. - you gave me the world's worst heartburn i've ever felt in my entire life right next to S'mores Pop-Tarts.  i can never ever ever eat you again.  a one-night stand gone terribly wrong.

Skippy Natural with Honey, i give you a 13.

Peter Pan. - and here we are folks.  the rolls-royce of peanut butters.  i know it hasn't been long, but Peter Pan & I (as flaming gay as that sounds) are not going anywhere.  the army has brought me to a new type of low in my life (there's different kinds you know, they come in all shapes/sizes), but you Peter Pan have brought me more zing factor and creamyness than i could have ever imagined from a pb partner.  it's simply an added bonus that i have a strong affinity and curiosity for people who have a legitimate issue with what is called the "Peter Pan Complex" (check it out if you don't know it - little scholars).  you are fairly affordable, i classify you as a girl with a boy's name (which when done right can be cute), you are a classic in your own right & you're not going anywhere in my books.  Pete Pan (or if you're like me, you can affectionately refer to him as Peter Pants), you're just right on toast (melt faster than JIF), you hold your oils well when in a sandwich bag, stuck in a car for 5 hours on a 120 degree day and you're fairly priced.  i had you before my accident, and have come floating back to you with open arms.  Peter Pan, you make me never want to grow up.  you're my favoritest.

Peter Pan, i give you a 97.

peter pants, i like you...like, like you like you.


1) reduced fat peanut butter almost always has 1 less g of fat, and 1 more g of sugar.  pretty much a wash.
2) peanut butter is near impossible to find in mexico.
3) i eat two peanut butter sandwiches for lunch almost every single day of my life.  a tradition that has been going on for years (minus a few strange ravioli/soup months here & there).
who's wasting the nectar-paste of the gods
on this white baby's head!?!?
4) peanut butter is high in calories, but has a ton of amazing fats for you and a substantial bit of protein if you eat enough of it.
5) peanut butter goes in all of my 5 a.m. protein shakes as well.
6) peanut butter is fun to put on the roof of your cat or dog's mouth because some (like gussie) will like their face literally 200-300 times afterwards.
7) peanut butter is ice cream's sexiest companion.
8) george washington carver invented peanut butter and therefore instantly made it on my list of favorite people who died in 1943.
9) i disenjoy (eh?) crunchy peanut butter because i see the crunch as a distraction from the initial product - the wonderful creamy peanut butter itself.  if i want crunchy, i'll eat the peanuts by themselves.
10) peanut butter is crackers' long-time bff.  they can't be together together, but they'll always be in each other's lives.  that and i'm not sure what gender crackers are.
11) peanut butter is also excellent in/on oatmeal, pancakes, waffles and lots of breakfast foods.
12) the peanut butter peninsula is THE BEST bite of any peanut butter sandwich...it is the bite after you've bitten the first two corners off the sandwich and all you have is that nice, de-crusted peninsula of sandwich waiting there for you to gobble up...NOM NOM NOM!
13) reese's puffs cereal is pretty excellent if you don't mind the garbage carbs & sugars.
14) peanut butter crunch (the cap'n crunch spin-off) i believe...was once my cousin walt's favorite cereal ever.
15) i eat two small jars of peanut butter every week, which is probably too much.  i should just buy one big one really.
GWC, you look glorious...like a happy,
little old raisin with a mustache. 
16) peanut butter does not like to fall off of the spoon or knife under ungodly hot water, so you always have to scrub a big glob of it off onto your sponge-wand.
17) peanut butter should be your friend too.  unless you are allergic.
18) if i was allergic to peanut butter, i'd probably off myself.  haha...no, really.
19) peanut butter helps you get gum out of your hair (who put it there anyway???).
20) peanut butter is to unicorns as spinach is to popeye the sailor.  
21) peanut butter will change your miserable life into a jolly one.

OKAY!  what a lengthy note this has become.  pass this on.  i should say that i am seriously happy to have over 100 readers everyday...and am pushing towards 150, but i really really really want to continue to grow this thing.  it makes me want to write when i know it's appreciated & shared.  :)

it has never been more appropriate than ever to say...spread the love my little peanut butter knives.

i give all of you 99's.  sorry, God is 100.  George Washington Carver, perhaps a 99.5.

sleep tight...

Thursday, February 24, 2011


kiss her somewhere different.
my apologies for dropping old news on some of you but on a scale from 1-100, i would give my day a .06, give or take ten hundredths of a point.  suuuuuuuuuck (9 u's, that says a lot).  the good news is (besides the fact that my blood work came back HIV-free...and no it's not okay to be surprised)...that i have been brewing up some ridiculously delicious & drinkable lists for the next couple of days for my crew of listomaniacs.  i laugh out loud to myself JUST THINKING about the content of this one i hope to put up tomorrow night.  maybe i'll double write tonight...hmm...

not the organ magic i was referring to.
also, i made a deal with some very sweet people...some who are higher in fructose corn syrup than high fructose corn syrup itself!  imagine that!  it's like a magic trick in your intestines!

this blog essay though...i know, blah bleh...is maybe my favorite thing i've ever written because i feel strongliest (eh?  eh?) about the subject matter.  but, but, but x it off your screen (if you have no spirit inside of your flesh) if your belly is full and you're not up for leftovers.

i should edit it though...soon!  nonetheless...this blog is one that needs some major sharing and caring.  it needs your grizzly bear hugs & deep french kisses - even though the wacko army is trying to rust over my soft, loverboy side...i am still a very firm (yes, like your pillow's & mattress) believer in this philosophy of FEELERS vs. THINKERS.

so here goes.  i think we could all use this one once in a while.

even has a double intro!  on with it...

intro pt. 2

hey you lovers, sailors, sons of God and sunshine eaters: following is a belated Christmas gift to you from me. i am a rascal i know for being late, but Santa gave me a fifty and a 4 pack of diet rockstars, so i mustn't have been too bad. anyhoo, following is a new/old note of mine on true love and the ongoing, epic and eternal battle of feelers vs. thinkers. it is an excerpt from my (mostly) poetry book "electronic Vietnam". if you like it, stop being cheap and buy my book...OR go sing it at the top of the hills to the entire town so that everyone can fall in love like some wild potion in a bottle shaped like an arrow got spread around by the local cleric who may have been disguised as cupid himself. here it is. i hope you like it...feel free to join in on a debate, tell me i suck at life and love, or send me your favourite cardiogram. all my love,

the essay,  

let go.
feelers vs. thinkers

i am a feeler...i've lost half of my senses and it seems that touch and feel have never mattered more. i feel things out. i feel like this, i feel like that. i try not to think too much. don't think too much.  i once dated a girl...i'll leave her name out, many of you know who she is. we fell in love. notebook type love with burning passion, reckless pick-up kisses, endless conversation about the stars and slow dance kitchen cooking. it had every ingredient to the perfect romance. it felt like heaven. it felt real. it was real. for 9 months straight, every hug, hand-hold, minute spent spooning was just as good as the first. it took off like a rocket. it sailed on with the same fire every single day until its end. it was almost surreal...except it was. it had to have sounded impossible...but it wasn't. we inspired people. you could see it on their faces. true love is inspiring. it makes other people want what you have. we had a shared faith...that came and went. when we were together, we believed in falling for each other. she wanted to marry every day, i wanted the same. when we weren't together, she believed in finance & comfort. the distance gave her space to let her heart slow down. she used to ask me to listen to her heart beat. i used to listen to it. it was so loud. sometimes so fast. i would have her do the same. sometimes i saw it pounding through my shirt. true thing. i will come back to her...the best thing about feelings is that they are one of the few things in the world that cannot lie. they don't lie. feelings are always 100% honest in that you had them, and therefore they were real. feelings are processed snapshots of the heart. feelings are ten thousand times more important than thoughts. feelings come from the heart. feelings are more valuable. feelings are life. if you make decisions from your heart, regardless of the consequential pain or frustration they may cause they will ALWAYS be more pure and genuine than decisions made from your brain. 

your heart is where all the good stuff rests. 

your brain is where you pick things apart and analyze where your heart lets you feel. in life, our feelings take us on exciting journeys. our thoughts rationalize. this is why it's so important to make decisions from your heart. you will never get where your heart wants you to be (important) by constantly following your head. of course you have to sail with some caution of the winds, but the best travels you'll take in this life will birth in your chest. follow it.

overthink an urge. do not overthink an urge. you can think an emotion to death...take the risk. sometimes in life you have to fall on your face to realize how good it feels to be standing strong. time is a beautiful doctor who will heal all wounds eventually and God will take care of the rest. if you lead with your heart, you will probably get crushed once or twice or ten times, but you will certainly know what it is like to feel.

i would rather ride the rollercoaster of feeling and have some electric ups with some major downs than sit still and feel close to nothing at all. i have met a thousand people who are living in next to numb relationships. this is sad. most of you know what this feels like, to not feel. 

if you're comfortable, you're not growing. 

i love this line. if comfort is the defining quality of your relationship, you're probably done growing. don't let this happen. don't let the comfort flu take over you & if it does, say goodbye and take the next train to looking for something more alive. scared people settle for comfort. weak and scared people. these people aren't bad, but they are afraid...and that's natural. just don't let it grip you for too long because life on earth really is quite short. how many of these years do you really want to spend in an average lovespell? after a few years of my own, i now say zero.

you know, in love i feel like it's called settling down for a reason. because the majority of people literally settle down, as in not reaching for the highest star. as in, taking what is there, and not searching for what could be. true love is both light years away and at the tip of your fingers. a simple complexity to digest for sure. what path you take to get there is for the most part up to you. some people are burning up in passion and will have it soon. some people are willing to let their entire life tick away in complacency just to watch the sparks pass by time and time again. don't let your clocks get the best of you.

back to the girl who said goodbye. funny how her mom was obsessed with clocks. when she distanced herself from me, in time, she let her thoughts take over the show. when she was around me, she was forced to feel. she even told me that she couldn't be close to me because it made her feel too much. wow. if that's doesn't say it all, nothing will. amazing how one november weekend we were together having the time of our lives, laughing hard and running in the rain...she was asking me if we could go get married on a lazy saturday afternoon. she seemed so free & alive. three days later, she doesn't love me like i love her. over & done. as soon as she stepped into her car to head back to her city, my voice became static radio and my touch disappeared. she didn't have to feel anymore because she was literally and emotionally distancing herself from me. i was never "safe" enough for her. she called me a "dreamer" and said it felt reckless to feel her way through. heartbreaking. a true blessing that we're not together though, because i'm not sure that she'll ever let the free side of herself out again and besides, she's happily married now and i'm thrilled for her. amazing girl regardless. on with it...

if you spend your entire life pushing these emotions away, you're going to go numb. it starts in your chest or it doesn't start at all. you can feel your way through the maze and grow in discomfort or you can sit and watch as the world goes by. people try to think themselves into love. that's going to fail a thousand times over and again. you cannot wish yourself into true love. you have to let the emotions in. you're going to be thinking your life away. you're going to be without emotion. don't train your heart to stop beating because you'll die.

diesel jeans would say “only the brave”. i doubt they're referring to true love, but i can apply. the fact is that SO FEW OF US ARE ACTUALLY BRAVE enough to go out and seek the one thing everyone else wishes they had. how many people do you know that wish they were strong enough to leave what they have to get what they wish they had. i know a million. people will read this and say, that is me. or that is my best friend or mom or daughter or neighbor. so what are you then? if you've already found true love, then enjoy your movie scenes. enjoy your airport kisses and makeout sessions for breakfast. take time out of your day to relive the struggles it took you to get there, smile pretty and then share your story because our society is weak. we're generally weak by nature. so then, bravery is special. bravery is dying in war as well as stepping aside your scared self and taking the leap. either way, you're facing fears and living hard. i love that. you have to love that. you gotta want that. that jaw-clinching moment, staring in the sun, telling yourself you want it all.

either you're living the brave life and following your random heart or you're barely breathing. the path has no promises, but adventure is the only thing that makes for a story.

storybook romance, fairytale love. real things that you can have. real things that everyone wants, but so few have. 

lift the safe off of your chest and let your heart guide you. you're not protecting anything if you've got nothing worth protecting. 

let go & love.

animals are primarily feelers.  lions doing it right.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


i have asked around the block once or twice (literally, door-to-door) and it appears no one reads my blog.  haha, jk, sorta.  what i was 'funna say (i'm so hood) was that i have poked around a bit and it is a sad, heart-breaking truth that people are more amused by my critical side, rather than my big chunky Christmas lights mushy heart gushing side...say that 5 times fast.  if you just did, one up yourself and do it 50 times.  if you did that, i have a deal for you on the low.

now, what this means is that i shall giveth they readers a bit more of what ye desireth.  mistake not, i could really care less...i'll write about anything.  you could tell me to give 9 reasons why i think that squash is a far superior vegetable to the pumpkin and i'll have some sort of pointless logic there.  or i'll give it my season's best.  doesn't that excite you!?!?  not really eh?

erg, but i have to balance so as not to be a negative nancy (my amazing g-ma!)...so there will always be nice following the mean.  a must!

hey blue team,
i guarantee jr. loses it for you on the tongue slide.
so, since i have the misfortune of ALWAYS being right...and knowing EVERYTHING (it's exhausting trust me)...i am going to have some fun with these challenges.  do you remember the Ultimate Challenge on Double Dare with host Mark Sommers??  am i the only one who would get mad when they'd slide down the big tongue slide and that little bushy-headed 8 year old boy (whose parents had to pretend to love him for 30 minutes while on tv) would waste the team's entire 60 seconds or whatever digging for the flag in that little baby pool of goo?  i dunno.

on with it.

as many of you know i am deeply passionate about my beautiful, gorgeous, shamelessly handsome & well-endowed (sorry) dachshund Gussie.  i am in general what people refer to as a "dog lover".

this does not mean though...that i love all dogs.  in fact, because i love so many dogs...the ones i dislove (new word, use it, spread it like seedless jam), i feel like i maybe dislove them even more.  like, the disparity is deeper because of this.  i can't put my finger on it quite yet.  but why do we always want to put our fingers on things to fully understand them anyway?  eureka!  great question.

before i begin l-l-l-li-li-listing, i should say that i am aware that many of you own some of these.  *disclaimer - i don't care.  :)  some people hate wiener dogs and i manage not to chop them up into bite size pieces and feed them to the starving carp in my neighborhood pond.  so...toughen up, it's all good canine caretakers!

i have a banana cream pie yogurt burning a hole in my fridge so i have to get to the point here.

MY 8 ALL-TIME LEAST FAVORITE DOGS (in no particular order)

R.I.P. 1996-2009. tom deals, you filthy beast.  
1.  the cocker spaniel.  - yes i detest them primarily because my aunt laura and uncle ed had an absolutely disgusting one named domino who had literally over 40 nicknames - only 20 or so that i re-call. i.e. domino, aka rudy, aka roy, aka roy boy, aka rudy boy, aka rude boy, aka rudy bin laden, aka rudy gunn, aka hoots & boots, aka dom, aka rudy scoot, aka dom dommers, aka thomas t, aka duke, aka dukers, aka tom deals (my personal favorite because it made zero sense whatsoever) aka tommy thompson the director of health & human services, aka bootise...oh man, the list goes on.  that's not even a joke.  anyway, the cocker spaniel is a health problem disaster and every single one i've ever known smelled like hot dumpster trash and had an ugly face.  i can't really say what this dog is good for other than making me wish it were something else.  even it's name is ugly.  also, the one i knew (tom deals himself) also had a green, slimer-like glaze on its eyes and humped everything that couldn't run away...which is only funny for 15 minutes or so, and then it gets a little awkward.

2.  the miniature pinscher.  - affectionately known as the "min pin" (shoot me twice in both knees).  first things first you are over-priced and soulless.  i used to go to petland every saturday (and let a few slaves out of their boxes to play and breathe) and get aggravated when some pair of high school girls (head to toe in PINK by VS) would want to see this worthless little piece of meat.  i look at this dog and think, what can i even do with you?  you're too small to matter.  a miniature pinscher is like a siberian dwarf hamster with long legs and an emotionless face.  i'm not inherently violent and i can tear up watching horses die on braveheart because i truly am an animal lover, but i kind of want to throw all of the world's miniature pinschers in a small enclosed bin with 300 to 400 very hungry and angry lions.

3.  the labrador retriever.  - some of you are cursing my name already.  but you know what?  whether you like it or not, the labrador retriever is the wal-mart of dogs.  there is nothing special about this dog.  when people talk about labs, the only thing they ever say is, "oh yeah, they're good dogs".  BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.  boring.  thinking of labs makes me want to go to sleep & roll back the prices in my dreams (AH!!!).  or should i say nightmares?  either way, this dog is about as exciting as a piece of bread, sugar-free hard candy, iowa, cardboard boxes & tribal tattoos all rolled into one.

4.  the pit bull.  - ok, i have to admit that a bit of my angst here derives from cheesy rap videos.  mind you, in my heyday, i was a true hip hop officionado...so i have the roots.  so chew my shorts before you label me as a hater...yadda yadda ya.  i owned outkast's first cd (southernplayalisticaddillacmuzik)when it came out.  what you know bout that???  what you know bout that???  truthfully though, these dogs are not fantastic.  sure they have jaws that could rip your legs off and they have a muscular frame, but unfortunately for them...their owners have brought to my light that they are pretty unspecial.  the primary purpose they serve is to make people look dumb for owning them.  michael vick, i don't care if you had a great season.  also, double bonus if the dog is being walked on an actual ROPE as opposed to a proper leash.  get out of here with that mess.  this isn't a tug of war between you and spike and it's no man overboard baby.  ok, i'm done with this one.  10% not the dog's fault, but they're bleh anyway...even if they are constantly surrounded by loud thumping music & unfortunately large, shaking buttocks.

nobody likes you.  nobody.
5.  the king charles cavalier.  - it's very very very VERY hard for a canine to be ugly as a puppy even.  yahtzee! though...my friends we have a winner.  i have never met one of these.  i want to keep it that way.  i get severely agitated when they place at the eukanuba best in show & i have no other real reason to dislike this dog other than it is the ugliest thing i've seen since my ex's new boyfriend...haha...jk.  i have no idea.  i don't even have a proper ex to refer to anymore since it's been so long.  enough of my love life.  this dog is ugly as original sin and it's name fools me into thinking it might be kind of suave in a slicked back hair kind of way.  i am now mad at this dog for putting up a title-facade.  also, i am not a big fan of medium-sized dogs.  i tend to like large or small dogs...which will be unveiled in my highly anticipated (ha) favorite dogs list.  medium-sized dogs to me are kind of like going on a date to chili's and then seeing transformers 3.  eh.  the one thing i do find unique about this dog is that it's head (when fully-matured) is perfectly identical to the shape/size of a major league baseball.  batter up!  :)

whose twisted idea was this?  i hate you.
6.  the poodle.  - i don't care about your history.  i don't care if you have french roots (tough for me to say this).  you suck.  in every way, you suck.  if you're a boy, you double suck, even though it's not your fault.  i detest your hairstyle at dog shows.  i don't like the fur puffs to keep your hips warm and your face is about as attractive as the king charles'.  i also don't care if you were popular on skirts in the seventies.  i didn't like grease either.  john travolta is a bad actor and i want your kind to fall into a north alaskan crevice with no treats and undrinkable water.  i sound so angry in this blog...lol.  you know what though, last time i saw a poodle at the dog park, you should have seen the owner.  he looked like a cross between a dirty santa clause and melvin from a 60's version of office space.  that made me uncomfortable.  i dislike you poodle...i really do.

7.  the golden retriever.  - unless you are outrageously and by all means unhealthily fat, you bore me.

8.  the pomeranian.  - don't get me wrong.  i have nothing against dogs with unfortunate amounts of hair.  i also have nothing wrong with little dogs (to an extent.  anything under 8 lbs. should be caged with the $14.99 guinea pigs & their wild hairstyles at the pet store).  the pomeranian though is worthless to me for many reasons.  it's hair color, bah.  i realize that they have a few tones, but the primary color of the pomeranian to me is like...caramel-puke.  they are a walking ball of fuzz with a little head that does not look like a teddy bear (as some might try to convince).  it looks like an orange, dying bat with herpes.  your bark is like acid rain trickling ever so sweetly into my ear drums.  you're not my least favorite, but i sort of hate you.  i wish you would grow, get your hair colored & styled, get a voice change & a facial makeover.  perhaps go on the swan for canines.  remember that show?  amazing shallowness.  but seriously...pomeranians are the wrong answer.  better off wasting your money on drugs & alcohol.

ok, now that that's out of my system, i will admit that i am the first person to pet, play with or feed people food to nearly any dog...even if it's one of these 8.  i have a huge heart for the n'animals and even if i dislike a dog per se, i probably like it more than a child molestor.

my next list shall be warm & fuzzy like your angora sweater made from peter cottontail's very own chest hair!

send this to your dog owner friends...they should be warned ahead of time...especially if they're preparing to make a purchase.  

gussie, the perfect mammal.  also an athlete.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


as many of you already know...i am a hugondo (you like that?) fan of "i'd rather be" t-shirts, bumper stickers and the such.  if you own anything of this likeness...then you have earned one bronze star in my very prestigious - cooler than average people category (to be claimed in killeen, tx...sorry for the drive).  you will sit in the VIP section from now on.  i have no idea where.

so we've all seen the infamous, "i'd rather be fishing" (an absolute classic), "i'd rather be watching nascar " (highly popular in appalachia) & "i'd rather be contracting herpes"...(maybe i'm the only one who saw that one).  distasteful.  anyway...

#1, there are very few things in this world
i'd rather be doing than stripping wood!
so it turns out that as much as i adore these sugar-frosted gems...i am hard-up for some fresh material.  it is no secret by now that i ache for originality & shun the grossly predictable...or at least i try to.  that being said, it is then a most definite must (gold embossed certificate of authenticity framed to my right) that i spearhead this effort in original, "i'd rather be" bumper stickers/tshirts/aprons/zipper masks...whoa.

before i unveil this verbal bride...i should prelude (not the sexy honda) by saying that i don't think they should all be generic hobbies...like the aforementioned "fishing" or singing, fishing, you get the drift snowballface.  randomness is the beauty here.  in my most humble opinion.  household chores and day-to-day ventures may be my fave new topics.  we'll see what i come up with.  :)

feel free to make your own.  share with friends.  make them laugh or vomit on you because you kind of like it (weird).  print some of these off on product, make $5 million U.S., share the profit with me and then we can own a small island southwest of indonesia, make sand castles that look like our houses when we were growing up (think ages 6-12, no earlier) and eat bananas & fresh coconuts (you'll be doing most of the picking because it was my idea originally).  if this sounds appealing to you...let's make some moves exlax!  also...i tan very nice.

ooh lala.

the effort begins here.

1.  "i'd rather be stripping the wood on my newly acquired armoire"

2.  "i'd rather be preparing a casserole at 375 degrees"

3.  "i'd rather be asking the dentist if i need a soft or medium tootbrush"

4.  "i'd rather be sailing the pacific with no vitamin c and only cold cut sandwiches"

5.  "i'd rather be jumping over a fence that i can't quite reach and will probably need a little help with"

6.  "i'd rather be selling very low quality, overpriced electronics"

#28, that's TOO MUCH YA' CRAZY!!!!!!
7.  "i'd rather be taking my daily vitamins at the wrong time of day"

8.  "i'd rather be pouring my third glass of water today"

9.  "i'd rather be driving the kids to school right before i head into work"

10.  "i'd rather be changing all of my light bulbs at once"

11.  "i'd rather be carefully ironing my white oxford shirt"

12.  "i'd rather be adjusting the advanced color settings on my television"

13.  "i'd rather be talking about the weatherman's ties and gentle smile"

14.  "i'd rather be putting up drywall with my uncle from out of town"

15.  "i'd rather be drinking 2% because i sort of need the extra calories"

16.  "i'd rather be wiping down the counter tops"

17.  "i'd rather be putting new batteries in my electric shaver"

18.  "i'd rather be writing a short note to say where i'm going after dinner"

#10, does it honestly get any better than this?!?!?
19.  "i'd rather be putting unscented gel in my hair"

20.  "i'd rather be picking out a new size large collar for rover"

21.  "i'd rather be pronouncing syrup "see-rup", not "sir-up"

22.  "i'd rather be at a quilting workshop for beginners"

23.  "i'd rather be sorting the recyclables because it's tuesday again"

24.  "i'd rather be deciding whether to get the 7-grain or whole wheat bread this time"

25.  "i'd rather be writing my address in the corner of the business envelope"

26.  "i'd rather be trying to figure out what the cashier with poor english is saying"

#12, some people know a good time when they see it!
27.  "i'd rather be thinking of more i'd rather be's since i'd rather be fishing is so '84"

28.  "i'd rather be putting a little salt (not too much) on my well done tenderloin"

29.  "i'd rather be typing things in the search bar and waiting .0017 for results"

30.  "i'd rather be looking for my birth certificate in the manila file folder"

31.  "i'd rather be straightening the cushions on the sofa for the 8th time today"

to follow in the future: a similar version, but a very sarcastic and brutal one.  i.e.  "i'd rather saw my arms off and feed them to a wood chipper".  i'll probably have 6,000x more fun (pretty accurate figure after some testing) writing that one, but for tonight, i'll give you extra candy flavored advil and keep it pain free.

spread the love so i can keep my imagination churning...


Monday, February 21, 2011

CITRUS the painting.

so however many hours, however many mess ups & fixes, skin bits ripped off by the world's strongest ever made spray on affixative (if you doubt me, bring your epidermis here) and i present you all "CITRUS".  my latest and probably last painting in a good while.  she is full of french-flavored love, french-flavored text, and i actually might have even crushed some french fries onto her somewhere in there (look very closely).

she is 4 ft. tall by 2 ft. wide...think an under-sized mayan woman pregnant with twins.  if you want the secret to the lyrics, it will cost you your soul,  $200 U.S. and your second best friend's DNA specifics (don't ask, i'm not telling).  anyhoo...on with the photos.

if you like'm that's swell like big waves...if not, go eat something that gives you severe heart burn.  CITRUS is similar to LIGHTS (the other paris-type), but not the same.

disfrutense...click any image to enlarge.  varied lighting & what not.  :)


i told you you'd be in it vargas!

this one makes my place look like a funhouse even though
the painting is straight on the wall

Sunday, February 20, 2011


my excuse for not writing better
tonight.  i'm a loser.  :(
this is just in my opinion the worst ten things i could ever imagine hearing after asking the almighty, "will you marry me?". i've had a VERY busy couple of days and needed some quick stress/comic relief...so i'm whipping up this five-minute delight and sharing it with all of your sticky ethnic faces because maybe you're having the same issue. some are more practical than others of course, but hopefully this list will make you laugh inside your throat one way or the other.  

sorry if this is old reading for any of your heavenly, cherub-like grills, but hey...i'm trying to finish a painting people!!!!! (said screaming with ferocious & violent rage)...and it will be my last in a while.  i'll include a photo of it (25% done) so that i have a more legitimate excuse for posting something that some have read in the past.  besides...i updated it, and tweaked it some for twice the bubble gummy goodness.

if you're upset with me you can just come to 2700 trimmier and fist fight everyone in my complex.  i know of a girl with really hairy arms who could probably take half of you.  let us not wait any longer in line.
le list.

counting down...for dramatic effect of course...(to promote wetness in pants and palms)

10. "was that just a serious question?"

9. "okay...i guess."

8. "so this means then...that i only get to be with one guy for the rest of my life?"

7. "look, i really do like you, but this is still just our first date...umm...i should really get going, it's late (1:30 pm) and i have yoga in the morning."

6. "well it does suit me quite well financially..."

5. "i would love to say yes, but i ate my last two spouses...(deep sigh)...literally."

4. "your identical twin brother asked first...now i feel bad...thanks a lot"

3. "i'm sorry, i have actually fallen in love with one of the characters from my Dungeons & Dragons trading card set...i hope you understand."

2. "first i should tell you that i have seven live-in children...who follow the way of the hawk...are from west virginia...have terribly sun-damaged hair...think they are rabid vampires...all have different fathers...no child support."




1. "i have aids." 

feel free to play along, tag a favorite, add any winners you can think of or tell me how i accidentally offended you. 

much love to my boyz sippin that malt liquor in the hood and peace in the middle east!

a real man rents out a billboard and one-ups all of his friends.