Friday, February 25, 2011


i am a peanut butter expert.  i don't care what you say.

before anyone contests, i know i know, i cannot taste.  but, before i let you get carried away with that little bit of tid, it should be said that peanut butter & i have been tight for LIFE (not the board game, not like wetsuits).  this post could be seen as a mix between a tribute and a report card, but more than anything, it should be seen as a deeply heartfelt love letter from a human being to a condiment.

JIF, i have no beef with you.
wait, beefy peanut butter? mmm!
get your kleenex™ out because my friends, my friends...there have been times where it probably felt like peanut butter was all i had.  yep, that 6 month period of soul-numbing, dreadful loneliness before i got gussie, oh man...i had some weird moments.  nothing like, college experimental stuff...let's not spin this record too far around!  just like, i would find myself talking to inanimate objects more than i would actual people.  wait a minute, whoa! whoa black beauty (or white, latina, i don't care)...i shouldn't dive into that ditch.  this is a happy blog...about one of the first true loves of my life.  we can talk about my south carolina rotting another day.  one when someone needs talking out of suicide & they need a serious one-upping to keep them from making the splat jump.

ok, peanut butter.  jelly (i'm a preserves guy myself - call me an elitist if you must) has nothing to do with this.  to me, a peanut butter sandwich can stand alone and light up a dark room full of frowns, ex-circus employees and axe murderers.  jelly is like lingerie to me.  pb can be naked & gorgeous...it doesn't need accessory or lace, but...every now & again, you want to dress it up for a change of pace.  the moral of the story kids, is that pb alone is just perfect with me.

i will now divulge (i love that word, it sounds so...big & whale-ish) my favorites and most consumed brands/types of pb based on a series of very scientific criteria.  mind you, the taste factor is a bit antiquated, but i can now evaluate more thoroughly than ever...making consistency a serious factor my yellow tractors.  sorry i just called you tractors.

on with it before i ramble too much.

wait, one more thing i have to add.  since my accident, i will say that although i can't taste, certain foods and drinks have a particular "zing factor" that i can't quite explain.  i say this because it is a pretty huge variable in my scoring equation nowadays.  it's like this little tiny tingle in my jaw that almost feels like heart burn is wanting to come up my throat and give me a tiny little massage on my lower mandible.  but it's pleasant, and not much like some big side-burned German Nazi named Johann jamming a flamethrower down my esophagus during WW2.  so that's the zing factor.   had to explain it quick because you'll see it mentioned here in a jif.  hey!

THE CONTENDERS.  (you'll see that i rate everything on a scale of 1-100 for added specificity)

JIF.  - everybody's classic.  the chevy camaro of peanut butters if you will.  i won't say the wal-mart of peanut butters (like i use wal-mart with many other popular & boring things) because it doesn't deserve that.  it did nothing wrong and i do not hate its guts, or its supple ingredients.  to me, this is kind of like, the standard when it comes to peanut butters.  you drive the line here...and go north or south, based on the other pb's differences & characteristics.  i won't lie, it was JIF Creamy that got me thru my life's nastiest spirit beater of a tropical storm in 2006, but JIF Creamy isn't my favorite.  i actually kind of felt like i was cheating on a lover when i switched over (considering all that we had been through together), but my dearest friends/readers...JIF Creamy does not have the zing factor.  it's a bit redundant to say, but i also tend to stray away from most things that are the most popular of their kind because that's usually an easy way for me to identify it as boring or drab.  JIF Creamy is a good peanut butter though and deserves no slander.  it is good, 1% dry in my opinion, a little thick for my particular liking.  she is the cute girl across the street who everyone considers a 7, and a safe bet, but doesn't have any flash or risk associated with her.  choosy moms choose you, but ultimately, i shall choose someone else.

JIF, i give you a 74.

Smart Balance.  - you confused my mouth in so many ways i don't even know what to say.  i bought you three times, almost like...3 first dates, hoping the flame would spark a bit, but you always showed up a few minutes late and never left an impression.

Smart Balance, i give you a 52.

satan's spread wants to eat
your soul inside out.

Great Value. - you're made by wal-mart and sold at their stores.  i hate you for who you are, who you were when we met, and who you've become.  you hold no value to society.  if i recall correctly, somebody served you to me once and as deeply offended and disgusted as i was, i tried you and hated you.  i hate you.  you are caloric trash.  the girl at prom who will go home with any boy, regardless of everything & will most likely find her way into his best friend's bed on the same night, act like nothing happened, go to school the following monday in route 66 jeans and pretend that she still has her dignity. for those of you reading this, if you have Great Value (what a cold lie) in your cabinets, i guarantee you have a garbage can a couple of feet away.  

Great Value, i give you a -11.  it's not all your fault, but it kind of is.

Reese's. - you're en exotic one.  Reese's peanut butter was like the average girl who you knew had it in her to turn the corner to pure hotness...but waited forever to do it.  Reese's, you came into the picture late, but i gave you a chance.  again, it stings a bit to say (bzzz), but Reese's is the one that stole me away from JIF.  not until i got back to ohio though.  i'm not that heartless.  i at least left the area code before making the big switch.  what happened was that i left SC to return to Columbus and dropped down in Westerville (a Cbus suburb) where there was a most peculiar grocery store named Marc's (s'cram backwards) that i became immediately, and very inexplicably fond of.  i still love it.  it's so bizarre.  anyhoo.  Reese's i must say does have the zing factor (#2 ZF on my list) and my beloved Marc's sold it for just $1.50.  i'm only cheap about certain things (primarily dining at chain restaurants by force)...but i couldn't not give it a shot ya know?  we all know and love the candies (most of us anyway, some of us too much)...so it was like, going out with the girl who finally decided to start dating.  Reese's kept my attention for over 2 years until i moved to another side of Westerville where i shopped at a Kroger that did not carry it, and since it was no longer convenient to shop at S'cram...that was it for us (here is where you wipe your eyes).  before final scoring, i should admit that i never technically tasted Reese's, but you know...it is a bit smoother than JIF, has the ZF i like...and was too tempting to pass up trying for $1.50.  so, perhaps the score is skewed?  either way...

Reese's, i give you an 86.

Skippy Natural. - you haven't done a commercial in years, you're kind of hard to find at times, you're a bit more expensive, but i like you.  Skippy Natural has more natural ingredients (obviously, duh), a ton of ZF, isn't too thick & dry like JIF...but for some reason hasn't stayed with me long.  i turned to Skippy Natural when i got to Texas and became bored with JIF again.  see how JIF is kind of like the ex that never goes away?  hehehe.  so i bought you in your blue dress...and you were like, a nice experimental relationship...interesting for a few months.  and that's about it.  i have no interesting stories about Skippy Natural or sales pitches...it's kind of like a Hybrid Jetta in car comparisons.  just kinda' there.  it led me to my new heart though...so i can't be too unkind.  SN took my eyes off JIF once again and opened me up to different options...something we all need after numerous breakups.  this is the one you don't remember.
you hurt me & you know it.

Skippy Natural, i give you a 79.

Skippy Natural with Honey. - you gave me the world's worst heartburn i've ever felt in my entire life right next to S'mores Pop-Tarts.  i can never ever ever eat you again.  a one-night stand gone terribly wrong.

Skippy Natural with Honey, i give you a 13.

Peter Pan. - and here we are folks.  the rolls-royce of peanut butters.  i know it hasn't been long, but Peter Pan & I (as flaming gay as that sounds) are not going anywhere.  the army has brought me to a new type of low in my life (there's different kinds you know, they come in all shapes/sizes), but you Peter Pan have brought me more zing factor and creamyness than i could have ever imagined from a pb partner.  it's simply an added bonus that i have a strong affinity and curiosity for people who have a legitimate issue with what is called the "Peter Pan Complex" (check it out if you don't know it - little scholars).  you are fairly affordable, i classify you as a girl with a boy's name (which when done right can be cute), you are a classic in your own right & you're not going anywhere in my books.  Pete Pan (or if you're like me, you can affectionately refer to him as Peter Pants), you're just right on toast (melt faster than JIF), you hold your oils well when in a sandwich bag, stuck in a car for 5 hours on a 120 degree day and you're fairly priced.  i had you before my accident, and have come floating back to you with open arms.  Peter Pan, you make me never want to grow up.  you're my favoritest.

Peter Pan, i give you a 97.

peter pants, i like you...like, like you like you.


1) reduced fat peanut butter almost always has 1 less g of fat, and 1 more g of sugar.  pretty much a wash.
2) peanut butter is near impossible to find in mexico.
3) i eat two peanut butter sandwiches for lunch almost every single day of my life.  a tradition that has been going on for years (minus a few strange ravioli/soup months here & there).
who's wasting the nectar-paste of the gods
on this white baby's head!?!?
4) peanut butter is high in calories, but has a ton of amazing fats for you and a substantial bit of protein if you eat enough of it.
5) peanut butter goes in all of my 5 a.m. protein shakes as well.
6) peanut butter is fun to put on the roof of your cat or dog's mouth because some (like gussie) will like their face literally 200-300 times afterwards.
7) peanut butter is ice cream's sexiest companion.
8) george washington carver invented peanut butter and therefore instantly made it on my list of favorite people who died in 1943.
9) i disenjoy (eh?) crunchy peanut butter because i see the crunch as a distraction from the initial product - the wonderful creamy peanut butter itself.  if i want crunchy, i'll eat the peanuts by themselves.
10) peanut butter is crackers' long-time bff.  they can't be together together, but they'll always be in each other's lives.  that and i'm not sure what gender crackers are.
11) peanut butter is also excellent in/on oatmeal, pancakes, waffles and lots of breakfast foods.
12) the peanut butter peninsula is THE BEST bite of any peanut butter sandwich...it is the bite after you've bitten the first two corners off the sandwich and all you have is that nice, de-crusted peninsula of sandwich waiting there for you to gobble up...NOM NOM NOM!
13) reese's puffs cereal is pretty excellent if you don't mind the garbage carbs & sugars.
14) peanut butter crunch (the cap'n crunch spin-off) i believe...was once my cousin walt's favorite cereal ever.
15) i eat two small jars of peanut butter every week, which is probably too much.  i should just buy one big one really.
GWC, you look glorious...like a happy,
little old raisin with a mustache. 
16) peanut butter does not like to fall off of the spoon or knife under ungodly hot water, so you always have to scrub a big glob of it off onto your sponge-wand.
17) peanut butter should be your friend too.  unless you are allergic.
18) if i was allergic to peanut butter, i'd probably off myself.  haha...no, really.
19) peanut butter helps you get gum out of your hair (who put it there anyway???).
20) peanut butter is to unicorns as spinach is to popeye the sailor.  
21) peanut butter will change your miserable life into a jolly one.

OKAY!  what a lengthy note this has become.  pass this on.  i should say that i am seriously happy to have over 100 readers everyday...and am pushing towards 150, but i really really really want to continue to grow this thing.  it makes me want to write when i know it's appreciated & shared.  :)

it has never been more appropriate than ever to say...spread the love my little peanut butter knives.

i give all of you 99's.  sorry, God is 100.  George Washington Carver, perhaps a 99.5.

sleep tight...

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