Tuesday, February 1, 2011


every now & then, i write something with a bit of substance (surprise!) and take a bit more of a serious tone...it's one of those nights my love letters from another sweater.  i can't be funny all the time!  or...in many of your opinions...at all.  rats...so here comes the thunder.  put on your bulletproof prom dress and come for a ride.

it hurts to even cross the line, but tonight i want to write about hurting the ones you love.  i think...that as much as we don't enjoy it...it's healthy to talk about it openly once in a while, because it helps us jump the hurdle when we get to it?  many of you will scoff at this as common sense, but even the late great Voltaire said, "common sense is not so common", so...without further adieu...


even being the non-confrontational person that i try to be...i know that i will always hurt the ones i love.  and the thing that stings most about this honey bee is that it's easiest to hurt those we cherish most.

why?  that's a bummer right?  because they mean the most to us and we mean the most to them.  there's deeper seeded feeling and with that comes the potential for heavier damage done.  it's easiest to hurt the ones we love most.  so let's be careful as we tip toe the line shall we?

i guess what's more important to discuss isn't the hurting process, but the reaction to the pain inflicted.  it's inevitable that we're going to screw up or say something we don't mean...leave the seat up one too many times, but how you come back from that will shape your love.  moreso than the act that triggered the harm done.  so the reaction to the dramatics is actually what paves the way for what's next.  mind you, i'm not saying you can crush someone to bits as much as you wish so long as you apologize nicely and buy them their favorite starbucks drink and give them a 36-hour shoulder rub (exhausting).   it's not that easy.  it's not easy as pie, or cake.  it's complicated, but simple.  let's break it down like jimmy brown...minus the cocaine.

we're all flawed by nature.  we're all full of kinks and imperfections and that's what makes us all gorgeous in our Maker's eyes.  on the flipside, when life is challenging enough to survive with your own unique set of flaws...and you pair yours with someone else's, you're now entering the battledome.  sure your marriage or relationship might be amazing 364 days a year, but there's always going to be that day.  how you handle the aftermath though is what will shape everything thereafter.

you can fight your brains out.  you can have ww3 in your very own bedroom with your peanut butter owlface dreamdate (insert sugary term of endearment of choice, whatever)  ...but what is your reaction?  are you vengeant (made that one up)?  do you feel the urge to get even?  do you want to go to sleep with it all unresolved?  what's next?  are you the quiet one and they like to work it out asap?  who's forgiving, and who needs work in the letting go dept.?

are you miserable at letting go?  if this is you, please keep reading.  for your own good, and your current, or future loved one.

so you blew it.  you smashed his/her heart into pieces and you know it.  from here, you can place blame on them like a child and make matters worse, or apologize genuinely and create an opportunity for growth.  broken bones heal stronger.  let's not forget that.  pain and suffering in love can be beautiful...if medicated with proper repentance and a fair dosage of forgiveness.  more on that in a second.  okay, so you shifted the blame and pointed the finger to deflect your own consuming guilt...OR, you took the honorable route and said sorry...AND asked for sincere forgiveness...if that person wasn't quick to grant it in the first place.  sometimes "sorry" just isn't enough.  it really isn't.  many of us are negligent to take that extra step and ask for grace because we're too prideful or feel that we don't owe them that much.  well maybe to them you do.  and you messed up.  so you, don't get to determine the laws of repentance here.  so then what is more important to you?  being right, or being in love?

you can be right all day long and crush the love that you've built, or swallow your ego like an honest man/woman and make things right.  that's when that seed of growth can then be planted in your chest-gardens.  fighting isn't fun, but it's an ugly necessity sometimes.  maybe not even "fighting" but disagreeing...for those of you who prefer a more gentle term.

you are going to hurt the ones you love.  it will happen, period.  this is your big chance to show that your love for the other person means more to you than pride and winning.  this is your big chance to fall deeper in love with him/her.  this is the rainbow after the perfect storm.

don't get me wrong...i'm not suggesting that you start x amount of random fights per week to spur growth in your relationship...but instead, just that you capitalize on an ugly scenario that erupted when it wasn't avoided in the first place.  don't be such a rascal.

on the other hand, when someone messes up...hurts you, or steps on your toes just after you've figuratively had the world's best pedicure...your role is just as important.  you too can make or break this little operation on your two wounded hearts.  it's quite similar though...

you can fight for victory and rightness, or you can be quick to forgive and show them that they mean more to you than punishing them and burying them in the guilt of their mistake.  this takes a lot of maturity.  don't get me wrong.  it can definitely be one of those "easier said than done" type ordeals.  but what do you want more?  do you want the love that you signed up for, or do you want to win this time?  of course the severity of the damage comes into play some, but at the end of the day, you have that one special person, and they have you.  the sooner you let "it" go, whatever the it was...the sooner you'll be on with your prettily paved path.  makeup making out we'll call it for the all ages.  that's the rush piece.  the long-lasting bit though, matters most and you should want to put your relationship above being correct.  after all, you didn't step into love with someone so that you could have a lifelong competition in being right.  you did it for your love of them.

so know your role.  know what matters more.  the you or the us.  winning solo will create a divide.  coming together in a mutual defeat will only make your lovecastle stronger.

i don't know everything of course and never will, but i've been on the other side of the unforgiveness and it's not a fun one.  i've also been a blame-shifter and nothing good ever came of it.

today is a wonderful day to take a new stance on hurting and healing.  the ugliness is going to happen.  it's up to you to manage it the best you know (regardless of which side you're on), get over yourself, and grow into the one you love most.  everyone has their moments, we all do battle once in awhile, but because you're in my world and i love you...i want you to win, as a team.

it says a lot more...actually it screams love when you put your pride aside for them.  when you're only looking out for yourself...it's going to scream i'm not ready for this (us-ness).

be big & strong.  don't sign up for what you can't handle, but know that when you're in the trenches...there is a bright side waiting for you...if you can get there together.

the grass is only greener on the other side if you're not afraid to climb the fence.

love will always be a battlefield, but it is the one war worth fighting for.  anyone can be right all the time when they're alone.  take from this if you can.  hold hands, say you're sorry or be quick to forgive, look into each other's eyes and shoot for one star higher.  it's better up there.

with love, sk

pat is always ready for battle in her gold space leotard.

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