Friday, February 18, 2011


don't get me wrong...there is nothing wrong with a classic, "honey", "dear", "peanut butter sunshine" or even (my all-time favorite), "sausage gobbler".  but after a while...you know, you want something new.  classics are great because they're always around, but i know i strive for originality (not like circus-employee worthy) and i wouldn't want my own beloved sugarpie to feel un-unique in any way...other than that she has 2 eyes, ears, legs, etc.  not that deformity or extra toes is a bad thing...it's all reference anyway.

on with it.
this is bjorn.  you'll understand in five
thin minutes.

so to keep your terming of endearment fresh like georgia peach, i'm providing you all 15 un-used, not yet taken by anyone in the U.S. (or most of western Europe) for your used and one-of-a-kind pleasure.  of course there is a chance that multiple individuals are going to use some of these the same, but i am at least giving you a couple freebie starters & ideas to get your gushy gears grinding.

it is important to stress the importance that we not all call our wives/hubbies/gf's/bf's/promdates/rent-a-dates the same thing.  i say this in a 9% serious tone for one reason.  maybe it's just me, but when i find someone who really makes my clock tick...who melts my butter to the bones, they simply acquire some weird new nickname...because they have found that place in my fat pumpy heart.  well, i want you and yours to have that too.  because it's awesome.  it's actually more awesome than the first time i went to school with hair gel in (4th grade).  can ya believe it???  true story.  there'll be a movie out about it soon.

ok, and oh yes.  i also have to say that nearly every term of endearment is a cuisine-flavored reference to something sweet tasting.  well, since we all know relationships aren't sweet 100% of the time (unless you dated me in the late 90s...haha)...i'm climbing out on a tree branch and extending the scale onto another series of foods...that aren't so sugar-loaded (low in carbs as well, so chomp chomp!).  mind you, i get a pass on one or two because i'm in a hurry and shooting all of these love-clays off the top of my head.

i don't want to pump my fist without some evidenced experience...so here is my resume'.  my ONE ex alone had at one point some 10 or 20 n-names i called her on the reg.  including, but not limited to

*choo choo
*cinna choo
*hot cross bunz
*sausage gobbler
*banana cream pie baby eater
*meat lover's pizza
*queen gobbler
*etc., and more than i have time to remember...

so let the fun begin dimple chin!

1.  salmon-blast.™ - perfect for the seafood lover or someone who has an inordinate amount of pink clothing in their wardrobe, or both.  bonus - i have a thing for fish references.  not to be confused with sonic's new ice-cream/fish blended treat!

2.  pasta-accident.™ - this is really only acceptable when used with someone who is clumsy & at least 50% italian in heritage.  if you try it with someone who is not, it will feel wonky and everyone's going to laugh at you in public.

3.  nightmare-cobbler.™ - a fresh swing on the infamous "sausage gobbler".  ideal for someone who has a lot of bad dreams about eating blueberry bread pudding.  also not bad for someone who was a terribly-behaved child and grew up in a pastry shop.

4.  bone-a-marrow.™ - i don't understand this one.  if you call someone this though, i can't imagine not getting a touch of respect for awkward points.  sounds like bow & arrow?  maybe just the right fit for diehard, lifetime William Tell fans?  why not bone-sparrow?  oh man...that's a great alternative.  4b.  bone-sparrow.™

5.  zebra-skinner.™ - look, don't use this one too loudly in a PETA rally.  it's not what it sounds like.  this one might offend a bit, but the truth is...there is nothing more ideal for this nickname than someone who is in love with a bi-racial individual (you).  let's face it, bi-racial people are generally nicer looking and have better skin.  now you get it right?  and now i must consult my lawyer...hah.

6.  banana bread hellcat.™ - for the extra feisty.  this goes well with a dabble of margarine and one who does not like to conform to carb counting.  must be 120lbs. or more.  no exceptions.  this one might be my personal favorite...so i might take it back.

7.  cashew-brains.™ - for the elitist.  this person is above the peanut, the almond (even though they're actually equal S.O.S), the macademia & the brazilian.  they think they are smarter than you, their entire high school class ('02 woo!) & everyone at your local bus station.  the nerve.

8.  le party-favor.™ - it's important that this not be taken in the, everyone gets to have fun, pass it around kind of way.  great for an extremely giving gal/guy with a wildstreak the size of the colorado river.  added appropriate points if they have french descendants.

9.  hate-container.™ - this one hurts me to type because i would never in a million years consider calling anyone such a thing...especially someone i kiss before i go to the work!  but, in some instances, this can be used in play...and works terrific if you happen to be snuggling up with a Tupperware sales rep.

10.  grass-hatchet.™ - primarily should be used for a male-type (see how i said "male-type" and not guys?...i've met some interesting "gals" in ft. hood) who loves spending time in the yard with his beloved bright green blades.  a great way to make someone feel encouraged and loved when they're slaving in 115 degree heat over a push mower while you're chilling on the couch watching Power Rangers™ re-runs.  use cautiously...and do not abuse or it will lose its positive effects.

11.  charm-goggles.™ - this is  a nice one.  preferred for those who want to think they look like a 9 or 10 when in reality they're more like a 5 or 6.  careful here.  using this nickname will instantly add 2 pts. to  your very own looks and could end up permanently brainwashing your darling on accident.  sounds nice, but could backfire in a public audience.  it's best to just be aware of the truth.

12.  chief-cotton candypants.™ - if i had to tag myself with one of these, it might be this one.  this one is designed VERY specifically for someone who has a passion and deep interest in native-american (or meso-american) history and at the same time is very very very affectionate.  that being said, it is then obvious that a TRUE c-ccp is a hard gem to find.  please try not to sling this one around too loosely...it will lose its integrity quickly if so.

13.  potroast-face.™ - this will come off negatively at first, but really it's just for a genuine carnivore who has the face of someone who is always dying for a medium-rare steak.  duh - on the no-use list for vegetarians and those who only sort of like medium-rare steaks.  sorry to limit...it is the way it is.

14.  zipper-goblin.™ - if my mom is reading this, it's for people who love the three letter combo of YKK.  if she's not this is for those of you who can't keep your filthy little mits to yourself!  you know who you are!  this one is fairly generic in that way and i expect it to spread like wildfire in a dry san diego heat.

15.  calorie-swallower.™ - this one is just mean.  nobody's in perfect shape...so don't use it please?  i don't need some 345lb. swedish meatball in leather Jesus sandals named Bjorn beating my head in because his candy girl isn't polite enough to choose from the other 14.
a classic hate-container™ snapshot.  tread carefully!

and that is all my taco lovers & back rubbers.  i have some things to do (namely finish a new very excite paris-flavored painting)...and must run.  if you like this, tell your friends.  if you know ANYONE who is stuck to the oldies and needs a dash of spice in their nickname stew...pass it along.

the harsh truth.  the blog is kicking my butt.  the thing is, it's picking up readers by the day...so i'm inspired.  i'll make a very special post soon about how brutally busy my life is...but for now, i'll simply say that i'm thriving on encouragement and consistently growing views.  i need all of your happy little hearts & minds to continue to spread the love though.  after 16 hour days, it's hard to continue to get up for writing...but i'm doin' it dag nabbit!  thanks for keeping me going.  it might not seem like much, but trust me...every bit matters to me.  :)

go eat something yummy now and call your cupcake something other than...cupcake.

it's a good time to be in love everyone!



  1. i thought you'd appreciate these...which are you? a nightmare cobbler?