Wednesday, February 23, 2011


i have asked around the block once or twice (literally, door-to-door) and it appears no one reads my blog.  haha, jk, sorta.  what i was 'funna say (i'm so hood) was that i have poked around a bit and it is a sad, heart-breaking truth that people are more amused by my critical side, rather than my big chunky Christmas lights mushy heart gushing side...say that 5 times fast.  if you just did, one up yourself and do it 50 times.  if you did that, i have a deal for you on the low.

now, what this means is that i shall giveth they readers a bit more of what ye desireth.  mistake not, i could really care less...i'll write about anything.  you could tell me to give 9 reasons why i think that squash is a far superior vegetable to the pumpkin and i'll have some sort of pointless logic there.  or i'll give it my season's best.  doesn't that excite you!?!?  not really eh?

erg, but i have to balance so as not to be a negative nancy (my amazing g-ma!)...so there will always be nice following the mean.  a must!

hey blue team,
i guarantee jr. loses it for you on the tongue slide.
so, since i have the misfortune of ALWAYS being right...and knowing EVERYTHING (it's exhausting trust me)...i am going to have some fun with these challenges.  do you remember the Ultimate Challenge on Double Dare with host Mark Sommers??  am i the only one who would get mad when they'd slide down the big tongue slide and that little bushy-headed 8 year old boy (whose parents had to pretend to love him for 30 minutes while on tv) would waste the team's entire 60 seconds or whatever digging for the flag in that little baby pool of goo?  i dunno.

on with it.

as many of you know i am deeply passionate about my beautiful, gorgeous, shamelessly handsome & well-endowed (sorry) dachshund Gussie.  i am in general what people refer to as a "dog lover".

this does not mean though...that i love all dogs.  in fact, because i love so many dogs...the ones i dislove (new word, use it, spread it like seedless jam), i feel like i maybe dislove them even more.  like, the disparity is deeper because of this.  i can't put my finger on it quite yet.  but why do we always want to put our fingers on things to fully understand them anyway?  eureka!  great question.

before i begin l-l-l-li-li-listing, i should say that i am aware that many of you own some of these.  *disclaimer - i don't care.  :)  some people hate wiener dogs and i manage not to chop them up into bite size pieces and feed them to the starving carp in my neighborhood pond.  so...toughen up, it's all good canine caretakers!

i have a banana cream pie yogurt burning a hole in my fridge so i have to get to the point here.

MY 8 ALL-TIME LEAST FAVORITE DOGS (in no particular order)

R.I.P. 1996-2009. tom deals, you filthy beast.  
1.  the cocker spaniel.  - yes i detest them primarily because my aunt laura and uncle ed had an absolutely disgusting one named domino who had literally over 40 nicknames - only 20 or so that i re-call. i.e. domino, aka rudy, aka roy, aka roy boy, aka rudy boy, aka rude boy, aka rudy bin laden, aka rudy gunn, aka hoots & boots, aka dom, aka rudy scoot, aka dom dommers, aka thomas t, aka duke, aka dukers, aka tom deals (my personal favorite because it made zero sense whatsoever) aka tommy thompson the director of health & human services, aka bootise...oh man, the list goes on.  that's not even a joke.  anyway, the cocker spaniel is a health problem disaster and every single one i've ever known smelled like hot dumpster trash and had an ugly face.  i can't really say what this dog is good for other than making me wish it were something else.  even it's name is ugly.  also, the one i knew (tom deals himself) also had a green, slimer-like glaze on its eyes and humped everything that couldn't run away...which is only funny for 15 minutes or so, and then it gets a little awkward.

2.  the miniature pinscher.  - affectionately known as the "min pin" (shoot me twice in both knees).  first things first you are over-priced and soulless.  i used to go to petland every saturday (and let a few slaves out of their boxes to play and breathe) and get aggravated when some pair of high school girls (head to toe in PINK by VS) would want to see this worthless little piece of meat.  i look at this dog and think, what can i even do with you?  you're too small to matter.  a miniature pinscher is like a siberian dwarf hamster with long legs and an emotionless face.  i'm not inherently violent and i can tear up watching horses die on braveheart because i truly am an animal lover, but i kind of want to throw all of the world's miniature pinschers in a small enclosed bin with 300 to 400 very hungry and angry lions.

3.  the labrador retriever.  - some of you are cursing my name already.  but you know what?  whether you like it or not, the labrador retriever is the wal-mart of dogs.  there is nothing special about this dog.  when people talk about labs, the only thing they ever say is, "oh yeah, they're good dogs".  BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.  boring.  thinking of labs makes me want to go to sleep & roll back the prices in my dreams (AH!!!).  or should i say nightmares?  either way, this dog is about as exciting as a piece of bread, sugar-free hard candy, iowa, cardboard boxes & tribal tattoos all rolled into one.

4.  the pit bull.  - ok, i have to admit that a bit of my angst here derives from cheesy rap videos.  mind you, in my heyday, i was a true hip hop officionado...so i have the roots.  so chew my shorts before you label me as a hater...yadda yadda ya.  i owned outkast's first cd (southernplayalisticaddillacmuzik)when it came out.  what you know bout that???  what you know bout that???  truthfully though, these dogs are not fantastic.  sure they have jaws that could rip your legs off and they have a muscular frame, but unfortunately for them...their owners have brought to my light that they are pretty unspecial.  the primary purpose they serve is to make people look dumb for owning them.  michael vick, i don't care if you had a great season.  also, double bonus if the dog is being walked on an actual ROPE as opposed to a proper leash.  get out of here with that mess.  this isn't a tug of war between you and spike and it's no man overboard baby.  ok, i'm done with this one.  10% not the dog's fault, but they're bleh anyway...even if they are constantly surrounded by loud thumping music & unfortunately large, shaking buttocks.

nobody likes you.  nobody.
5.  the king charles cavalier.  - it's very very very VERY hard for a canine to be ugly as a puppy even.  yahtzee! though...my friends we have a winner.  i have never met one of these.  i want to keep it that way.  i get severely agitated when they place at the eukanuba best in show & i have no other real reason to dislike this dog other than it is the ugliest thing i've seen since my ex's new boyfriend...haha...jk.  i have no idea.  i don't even have a proper ex to refer to anymore since it's been so long.  enough of my love life.  this dog is ugly as original sin and it's name fools me into thinking it might be kind of suave in a slicked back hair kind of way.  i am now mad at this dog for putting up a title-facade.  also, i am not a big fan of medium-sized dogs.  i tend to like large or small dogs...which will be unveiled in my highly anticipated (ha) favorite dogs list.  medium-sized dogs to me are kind of like going on a date to chili's and then seeing transformers 3.  eh.  the one thing i do find unique about this dog is that it's head (when fully-matured) is perfectly identical to the shape/size of a major league baseball.  batter up!  :)

whose twisted idea was this?  i hate you.
6.  the poodle.  - i don't care about your history.  i don't care if you have french roots (tough for me to say this).  you suck.  in every way, you suck.  if you're a boy, you double suck, even though it's not your fault.  i detest your hairstyle at dog shows.  i don't like the fur puffs to keep your hips warm and your face is about as attractive as the king charles'.  i also don't care if you were popular on skirts in the seventies.  i didn't like grease either.  john travolta is a bad actor and i want your kind to fall into a north alaskan crevice with no treats and undrinkable water.  i sound so angry in this blog...lol.  you know what though, last time i saw a poodle at the dog park, you should have seen the owner.  he looked like a cross between a dirty santa clause and melvin from a 60's version of office space.  that made me uncomfortable.  i dislike you poodle...i really do.

7.  the golden retriever.  - unless you are outrageously and by all means unhealthily fat, you bore me.

8.  the pomeranian.  - don't get me wrong.  i have nothing against dogs with unfortunate amounts of hair.  i also have nothing wrong with little dogs (to an extent.  anything under 8 lbs. should be caged with the $14.99 guinea pigs & their wild hairstyles at the pet store).  the pomeranian though is worthless to me for many reasons.  it's hair color, bah.  i realize that they have a few tones, but the primary color of the pomeranian to me is like...caramel-puke.  they are a walking ball of fuzz with a little head that does not look like a teddy bear (as some might try to convince).  it looks like an orange, dying bat with herpes.  your bark is like acid rain trickling ever so sweetly into my ear drums.  you're not my least favorite, but i sort of hate you.  i wish you would grow, get your hair colored & styled, get a voice change & a facial makeover.  perhaps go on the swan for canines.  remember that show?  amazing shallowness.  but seriously...pomeranians are the wrong answer.  better off wasting your money on drugs & alcohol.

ok, now that that's out of my system, i will admit that i am the first person to pet, play with or feed people food to nearly any dog...even if it's one of these 8.  i have a huge heart for the n'animals and even if i dislike a dog per se, i probably like it more than a child molestor.

my next list shall be warm & fuzzy like your angora sweater made from peter cottontail's very own chest hair!

send this to your dog owner friends...they should be warned ahead of time...especially if they're preparing to make a purchase.  

gussie, the perfect mammal.  also an athlete.


  1. "it looks like an orange dying bat with herpes" i died laughing

  2. it's good to see you here and i'm glad you can appreciate the truth about the pomeranian. :) i hope you find the blog a comfortable place to relax & unwind. xx!

  3. I am glad to see Ralphy is not on this list.. I would have hurt you. I hate . HATE. poodles.. they are disgusting, but also you missed a dog... Bull dogs are also DISGUSTING.

  4. tread carefully ready to fall in love...FRENCH BULLDOGS are better than cherry vanilla yogurt, 5 hi-fives & sunshine all wrapped into one tortilla!!!!!