Friday, February 11, 2011


Recently, I realized that a lot of people are dating/married/engaged to others who far outrank them in the looks category. This baffles every cell of me. Especially since my mother once told me, “Steven, if you want to be truly happy in this life…you have to accept that looks are everything”. It’s hazy in my mind because I was so young, but I believe she followed that up by telling me that I was destined to be a 6. I’m still wrestling with this.

That’s neither here nor there. Back to the point.

Since it is indeed a fact that “mother knows best”, I have taken it upon myself to live by this code of genial wisdom. The whole, 7s should only be with 7s, 5s with 5s and what not. Depending on the day of the week or the amount of sleep one partner might have missed, you could slide the scale a point here or there without throwing the whole system out of whack too much I suppose. Anyhow…

I go to the mall shocked and highly appalled when I see a definite 8 holding hands, smiling (very bold) with a 5. I go to the county fair (spare me judgment) and catch a 9 kissing a 4 out of the corner of my eye and drop my funnel cakes all over the dirt (&$^#($&!). I stop by the comic book shop to get my latest issue of “Dungeons & Dragons Monthly” only to see some brave 3 making eyes at an innocent and naive 6.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

That being said, I have been rolling it around in my head…how these less attractives are pulling off these stunts. How can it be!?!? What about what mom said? Has the earth reversed its field? Who is to blame here? What happened to logic and common sense? What about my horoscope? Have the stars and Miss Cleo (still $4.99 a minute) failed me at last?

Regardless of the REAL truth…I have since swallowed my pride, accepted that maybe my mother was wrong all these years and therefore done my best to compile a list of possibilities. This isn’t just any list of possibilities though. This list is the masterpiece of my efforts to comprehend the disgusting fact that it could actually be acceptable for an 8 to be with a 5 or a 4 with a 1 and so on. I won’t lie. It hurt me to type this.

Either way, it is up to you to use this to your favor (if you’re a single seeker), or to stomach the truth that you bargained too low in settling down, or scored big time by landing someone 1, 2 or even 3 points higher than you (rascal!). I’m certain that there are other ways than those I’ve listed below to achieve a mate who’s greater than you (yes, I dare say greater). If you fall for one of these schemes…and you know it…just be thankful you or yours didn’t speak to my mother in the early 80’s!!!

Be honest with yourself now. You know what you’ve got to deal with. Now, if you want to settle…do that, but if you want to shoot for the stars and you’re a lowly 2 (hey, it’s not your fault!)…use this listoid to go for the gold (think David Hasselhoff & Pam Anderson Baywatch ‘94). Good luck…and hope that someday, somewhere the real truth is uncovered.

exactly what i'm talking about.
CATEGORY 1: Some highly effective ways/scenarios to snag someone 1-3 points higher than you;

1) get a tan, wear makeup,
2) design a fitness plan to get even,
3) stop buying your “good outfits” off of Wal Mart clearance racks,
4) simple plastic surgery,
5) love the Lord (plenty of kind Christians can attest to this),
6) be good at playing an instrument (any will do),
7) know some decent magic tricks,
8) have one really great feature that stands out about you and softens the roughness of your less fortunate ones,
9) suck at everything (pity effect),
10) be funny,
11) have a great scar (size matters, must be visible...story to go with = bonus)
12) appear in an episode or two of Dawson’s Creek or some other washed up melodrama,
13) be great at a sport,
14) have big muscles,
15) join a gang,
16) be highly skilled in the kitchen (especially effective with the softer-bellied lookers),
17) own something bizarre,
18) be in the military (if you’re a female particularly),
19) be an excellent dancer (could stretch into the 4-5 range depending on the uniqueness of your ethnicity),
20) buy a fancy car (even if you can’t afford it) and drive it like a maniac,
21) be the beer guzzling champ on campus (warning: this could have a reverse effect in the future),
22) say you were a model for this or that,
23) have a foreign accent (even if it sucks to listen to),
24) have authority of some sort,
25) act more like the opposite sex than your own and relish in it (i.e. tomboy for life/supermetro guy who “actually likes girls”),
26) be able to recite poetry or literary bits on the spot (even if it’s poor writing),
27) improve your hygienic ways,
28) quit a bad habit that’s been hindering your odds (like you smoking mongoloids),
29) go on Maury Povich and show your old highschool mates how hot you’ve become after all those years of thick black glasses, unsightly braces and pocket protectors,
30) get a “sexy” profession…even if you’re not that great at it,
31) pull extra shifts as the Salvation Army bell-ringer or partake in multiple volunteer or charity events,
32) attend a fancy university and make sure everyone knows by word of the grapevine (direct mention is much less effective),
34) have a quirk that someone can accidentally fall in love with (i.e. a small speech slur or excessive blinking),
35) discover a strange or super geeky hobby that you have in common with someone of the opposite sex (i.e. bowling league officionado, star wars figurine collector),
36) be artistic in general,
37) speak French (fluidity progressive),
38) be a professional daredevil (potentially grave consequences for minimal reward),
39) stop blindly buying all of your shirts in XX regardless of its nature/purpose/style (MEN),
40) start buying all of your shirts in one size smaller (ladies…go easy here, you could easily get labeled negatively if you go too far with this one, also not good for either sex if your Texas-sized belly protrudes your Texas-sized belt buckle),
41) share the same profession and connect through a depressing work-based love,
42) become an excellent kisser,
43) know more about something dumb and meaningless than anyone else in the world and be extremely proud of it,
44) be too old or too young,
45) act like an a-hole at all times (just be careful not to cross the line of violence because that will negate the positive impact of your tactic),
46) act like you care about nothing,
47) put 22”s on your ride and constantly talk about how much you hate law enforcement (boys…this will land you a nasty girl),
48) put on a uniform (depending on the employer…this can go the other way),
49) brag about having an obscenely large genitalia (filthy),
50) be a prolific drug dealer (men, this could eventually land you a “friend” of the same sex named “Boris” who outweighs you by 200lbs…which is obviously an adversely desired outcome),
51) wear a cast with as many signatures on it as you can possibly fit,
52) lie about a pregnancy (there is a limited time window for effectiveness here)

CATEGORY 2: Some ways/scenarios to snag someone 4-6 points higher than you;

1) belong to an extremely small town church,
2) make them fall for “you” online and show up “slightly” different looking…aka, your senior picture when you were 120 lbs. lighter and 17 years younger hoping your personality sticks the win,
3) use your friends’ child to reel in a kid lover,
4) use your own child to reel in a kid lover (gutsy),
5) extreme plastic surgery,
6) lie about being a widow/widower for pity (horrible, horrible person),
7) invent something cool or useful like the pet rock (land a nerdy type),
8) be part of a small, compound-based cult,
9) be a celebrity to some extent,
10) embrace romance as your sixth sense and live in a constant state of it,
11) become a household-name politician,

CATEGORY 3: Some highly effective ways/scenarios to snag someone 7-9 points higher than you;

1) be the last of your sex on the planet,
2) falsify terminal illness for pity (shame on your life),
3) have buckets of money,
4) be a rockstar,
5) literally purchase them via the internet or a trusted foreign friend (double shame on you, triple if they’re illegal, quadruple if it’s against their will),
6) singlehandedly discover the cure for AIDS and/or cancer

Now go out there and get a 10 tiger! 

Lastly...if you married a 7, and they've become a 4 in time...I got nothin' for ya. If you married a 7 and they've become a 9...lucky you!

Feel free to bust out your sweet little cell calculator to see how many points you would rack up if this were a no-limit-system...do the math on your other half...then see who comes out on bottom (the winner).  Scoring is as follows.

ADD 1 POINT for each attribute from Category 1 that applies
ADD 4 POINTS for any attribute from Category 2 that applies
ADD 7 POINTS for any attribute from Category 3 that applies

Do the math & check out your VALUE.  Talk about feeling like a piece of meat.

If there is a significant disparity in the pairing, a break-up may be eventual...unless the loser comes to terms with the fact that they settled for much much less.


If you haven’t figured it out yet (dunce), I do not believe this a bit...well, not too much (haha). Please do not abide by this nonsense as doctrine...and if you do, good luck on your journey you cheeky astronaut.

you don't know this guy's story.
Feel free to message me some I might have left out, have fun with this, admit to those schemeries which got you lucky and joke away.

lastly i give you two 10s.  the perfect balance.


  1. I prefer category 3:8 and 2:1. Oh and I hope Lauren is as hot as grandma is at 76.

  2. not a knock on Lauren, but i don't see any living or breathing human being keeping the hotty bar @ 10 thru their 70s like gma. i like your preferences tho...you have a good eye for aesthetic.