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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

SATAN'S 6 PART-TIME EMPLOYERS.

i know that i CAN be a bit of a critic at times (self-knowledge +1), but sometimes my pink little ponies, it is more than necessary.  in this instance, i have taken it upon myself to bring about a certain awareness to the people i love, like, kind of like, am not real sure of, and care about most.  that being said, what i am referring to my non-horned/non-arrow-tailed friends is the part-time employers of our least favorite ruby red skinned devil, the godfather of nasty business...satan himself.

"hi, i was calling about the 9-5 opening
on the grill?  is it ok if i work in a cape?"
i feel like i should caveat myself (caveat...eh?) by saying that i like a lot of things and when i do like something...i super like it.  on the flipside, when i dislike something...or something rubs me the wrong way (think sandpaper on my babysoft skin)...i super dislike it.  i tend to reserve the word "hate" strictly for condiments (mayonnaise, mustard & ranch primarily)...so i might fight that temptation off for now.  besides that's a whole 'nother list listers!  i wonder if there is a lister out there who uses Listerine just for the name?

regardless...

if i don't get the bowling ball rolling here i'll never get my turkey...and i'm hungry for protein, so i best move about.

the gist of the list is:  establishments that i HEAVILY HEAVILY dislike for one reason or 97 (subway).  mind you, i shall substantiate my claim with purpose, so as not to be a whiny, baseless jerkface.  mind you pt.2...this is a slamfest, but we all have to vent once in a while right?  :)

alas! - beelzebub's minimum wage hideouts...in no specific order.  

the villains.


i knew it!
1.  wal-mart.  - "the easy target".  i understand that they're always "rolling back prices"...and they have made their logo a jolly little sun thing, but listen here.  if i want to feel like i'm at the auglaize county fair (think, 8 full-size, single-wide trailer parks exploding in a 2 mile radius all at once) while trying to buy my beloved craisins & 5 dark cherry light yogurts...then this is where i'm going.  mind you, some wal-mart locations have a slightly less-...uh..., less-hygienically-challenged clientele than others...but for the most part, every cretin in society generally finds their way to none other than the WM.  on top of all of this, they're trying to take over the world & before you know it, china (98% of everything sold there is made in china) will be running it...and then it will be called something like Hong-Dong-Shlong-Mart.  and that's almost offensive.  i'll spend the extra $5, salvage my soul and shop at H-E-B, where i've learned to wait patiently in 3.5 hour lines.  small sacrifice.

*satan is your favorite door greeter!...he reels you in with the cart handover and hook line sinkers you with the minimal savings! 

there is no better way to say "i hate
you" than to take someone to
applebee's.
2.  applebee's.  - "the wal-mart of sitdown restaurants".  i don't care if you like their chicken fingers.  if you want to spend $9 on a basket of average chicken fingers and ten cent fries, then let me know and i'll cook for you in a neon yellow spandex tuxedo.  and before you doubt, yes i have one (mind you it's two sizes too small but everything finds a place to "work" its way in).  the thought of taking a nice lady on a date to applebee's makes me want to jam rusty salad forks in my gums.  talk about a slap in the face!  nothing says i have no taste like eating at applebee's.  and i don't care if you like their cobb salad either.  i have to move on because the thought of lunching at satan's fave diner is actually making me upset.  i am honestly getting upset thinking about applebee's.

*satan was your top server (now training & shift manager) & knows how to use three "spice" words to help sell each of your $2.50 meals for 10x their price & quality.  devil deeds.

ha!  i'd rather eat my neighbor's overweight
housecat for free!
3.  subway.  - "the scamwich artist".  this might make me sound cheap but i don't care because i'm not.  sometimes when it comes to unoriginal restaurants i can be...especially since i have no taste or smell, but that's a moot point.  i persist.  SUBWAY (look i typed it in bold to project a deeper, sarcastic voice and www-style eye roll)...SUBWAY, is just wrong.  look, the last time i ate at subway it cost me almost $13.  $13 for a piece of garbage, d-rated sandwich that i could've made on my own!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  are you angry yet???  mind you, i got a flat 20 oz. beverage and a 1 oz. bag of sun chips to go with (value meal!!!  WATCH OUT!!!)...but wow.  just wow.  if i want to go pay 10+ for a sandwich with perfectly counted ingredients (danny...4 cheese triangles!?!?  YOU'RE FIRED!) ...then i'll buy all the imgredients on my own, and make 8 of them instead.  what a hoax.  eat fresh my banana hammock.  i'd rather eat a pile of dead iranians...and that's by all means socially unacceptable...in most civilized countries...anyway.  ok, i'm saying it.  i hate you subway.  i want to change your little bmt makers titles from sandwich artists, to rape artists...and now you've made me look like the bad guy.  i hate you subway.  i hate you so much. 

*satan sells (scams) more "(would you like) double meat & cheese than anyone on the staff and gets artist of the month on the reg!  double meat?  your double meat is like, half meat!  pile it on nazi!

yes i can hear you now & i don't like it!  and i
don't like you!  i don't even like your jacket!
4.  verizon.  - "the can you hear the monopoly and over-priced service now brain-washing machine".  i strongly strongly dislike verizon for these main two reasons.  1.  they're trying to gobble up the entire cell phone industry in the U.S. and nobody else sees it...AND, they're doing it with outrageously priced plans.  and people refuse to switch!  the carnia!  why???  AND...verizon users (mind you, i know i'm an advocate of sprint, but wait, listen)...verizon users back it like it's the best thing since prosthetic limbs!  my verizon friends pay like...for the most part, $100+ a month for cell service, defend it like it's their mother's famous tuna casserole recipe and brag about their signal all day.  well i think your signal sucks...lol, AND, i don't care if you're getting 4G too...everyone has it now.  you were late on it anyway.  and on top of all of that (this coming from a serious Mac fan & user)...i don't care if you're getting the above average iPHONE!!!!!!!!  every phone is smart now, and almost all do the same thing.  man, i'm getting flustered.  i shouldn't have written this one after a rough work week.  i don't swear, but eff you verizon.  brainwasher.  it's working...and i don't like it.  

*satan loves you!  you're giving him double overtime and nobody sees it!  he's working customer service at peak traffic times!!!!!!  hold please!!!!!!!!  listen to this machine!

5.  i need to leave this space blank to settle down.  brb...

6.  muscle milk.  "the soldier screwer" - no i will not buy your convenient little plastic bottle single serving protein shake with only 25 grams of protein for almost $4.  talk about taking advantage of a captured market!  i watch young soldiers all day walking about with these hell-shakes in their hands thinking not a thing of it.  look, i'm as well off as i could be right now and it makes me cry to watch privates who make next to nil get suckered into paying for this devil-fueled-marketing drink.  $4 for 25g of protein!?!?  you're out of your mind.  

*satan is your top marketing exec and takes no weekends off (secretly using Muscletech!).  

every flipping shirt looks like this!  i don't
care about your freaking 1987 est.!
7.  aeropostale.  - "the billboard t/abercrombie knockoff specialist"  look...i know your stuff looks the same.  well some of it...as a.eagle (also not my favorite) and A&F...BUT, if there is one thing i dislike in this world it is a copycat.  i wouldn't even like it if the word was copydog...and i love dogs.  anyway, your products are subpar in quality...decent in price, but you're basically asking me to sacrifice my integrity to sport your inferior wannabe rags.  and stop putting your name on 99% of everything you make...nobody outside a town of 4,000 people likes you.  unless...times are tight.  at that point, i'll just go to the local thrift store and buy elastic ankle gray sweats...hehe.  SEXYTIME!  ok, so the moral of the story is i strongly detest you aeropostale.  and what is aero?  you have nothing to do with planes.  you have everything to do with taking what everyone else is making, and making it worse.  hey, true story...i tried to fold (my mecca of peace) 3 of your tshirts the other day (for a friend who needs saving of course) and they don't even lay right!  the seams were off!!!!!

*satan is your stock boy...smiling hard at the sensual opening & stacking of each piece of pre-wrapped, over-produced, guaranteed to go on clearance in 3 days, crap.  

THE END.

as much as i'd love to pick on a few more...these ones really bite my whole grain waffles.  like i said, i am a fairly gentle, likable and friendly guy...it's just that, certain companies...(generally driven by marketing wizards ripping people off)...make me want to swat flies.  that's the most damage i could want to do to a non-guilty, living thing.  so that's what it does.  not just flies though...like masses of them.  or crickets.  yeah...crickets.  they chirp & i don't care if they're looking for love.

so this is the list.  if you frequent any of these vendors/services/whatevers...then i am sorry if i stepped on your toes...but i am TRYING to bring you to the light!  why?  because i love your saucy face!  and your dreamy hazel eyes & your unborn children!  cut the snake off at the head my friends.  these are not simple complaints...but rather justified concerns.

if this blog offended you...then you're soft...and probably know i'm right.  :)  which is why you're offended.  :)  :)  but, more than anything, lighten up and laugh nance!

ok...i need a shower now to cool my head off.  he almost got the best of me!  the next list must be seriously, like...rainbows & unicorns happy. 

big french kisses...
xx-sk 

p.s.  if you know anyone who is loyal to or subcribes to any one of these 6 companies, spread the word and set them free today!  they should get a kick in the conscience & a thorn in their tater tots when they read these ugly truths.

3 comments:

  1. I love Verizon... I have unlimited text, data, and calling... and my bill is like $30 a month... and I get service everywhere... They also have some of the better phones on the market. Still trying to figure out the hate. I agree with the Wal-Mart hate, the Subway hate, and the Applebees hate. I feel my IQ dropping everytime I step into Walmart... and the fact that Subways are now inside of Walmarts... Enough said.

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  2. b-sleazy...i am tickled purple that we touch base on most topics/villains here. :) you know...the verizon thing is really bad here...and 90% of my fam has it and pays a fortune, but you know...we can't agree on everything! wait a cotton picking minute...you work at best buy...i bet you got a serious plan deal...lol. jk, either way, thx for backing me on the rest. for my final act, i am going to commit suicide in a subway and leave a note saying it was because of their prices...hehehehe. jk, not funny, but sort of yes.

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  3. I have verizon, I hate them... They are thieves in the night with hoods and masks. Treaturous bastards that would easily sell you insurance on a phone for years on end. But when your phone is no longer working. To replace it, you must wait a couple day for it to come in the mail. Who on earth can wait a couple days for a phone. If Im standing in the store, just give me a phone.. But... I dont like dropped calls. Aaannd... Unfortunately its the only service that works in the barracks without going outside or standing in the window to make a call... They're jerks. Its way over priced but it does edge out the others easily.

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