every single one of us has someone in our lives who we could forgive, or do a better job of hemming the torn seams with. everyone, very much including myself. and that's okay, but here's your golden egg opportunity to turn things around.
| i must admit that this is the first time i've come out of the gates writing something personally for a friend. she didn't ask for it, so i won't pin her for that, but i can feel it in my chest all the way in texas. not only that, but i know what it's like to be crushed and want nothing more than to just find the internal strength to forgive someone for what they've done. |
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| "The Tree of Forgiveness" by Edward Coley Burne-Jones |
before you get to dribbling about in this message, maybe focus on someone you've been holding a grudge against, or you know...maybe just kind of giving the frozen shoulder blade. and of course you can always pass the word. personally, off the top of my head, i can only think of about 70 million people who could really take a forgiveness pill and move along. so get a tall glass of water and prepare to push these meds down gently.
alas...and my apologies if this is scrambled, lacks direction or quality...i'm writing on a whim and going off the top of my melon. also, to be fair, i'm going to try to steer my message away from my heavy faith directives because i hate to tune people out and anyone who wants the belief-based version can always cal me for a little extra personal butter. this can be hard to do, but you'll see. nom nom nom...
ABOUT FORGIVENESS. - by me, because i'm the only one who really writes around here.
we can all say "life is too short not to forgive", but i think we can do better than that.
that's not so bad, but i think a lot of people take the whole "life is too short to (insert cliche' phrase)" in one ear and it quickly escorts itself out the other. it never sticks. so what will stick? what can possibly be said to help people get over years of angst and distrust and heartbreak? whatever the case. how do you go from point Grudge to point Forgive and know that you're doing the right thing? that's an excellent question.
i'm asking myself the same thing as i type and wander through my own mind and experiences.
i think the best way to start is to know that there is freedom in letting go. the amount of focus and energy some people exhaust by hanging onto bitter and harsh emotions is incredible. what a massive waste. sometimes i imagine what we could accomplish if we took all of that negative vibe, translated it into positivity and added it to the good jones that's already in our bones. i think we'd all surprise ourselves.
i should take a step back. certainly some of us have much deeper-planted feelings here than others, but i'm trying to level the playing field as i go. it's important to come heavy with it though because people don't like change to begin with. so it's a double uphill battle really. nobody likes change. i read a great quote once passed along by a dear friend that said, "the only person who likes change is a wet baby". classic. a little off the path, but not too much.
so you first have to address the fact that a change is about to occur. you're going to do something huge that you never thought you could do. that's inspiring right? you're not changing who you are entirely, but maybe it's better to look at it as, you're wishing farewell to your less pretty side. your less attractive side. sour feelings and harbored funk is never attractive. bonus point.
then you might to say to yourself, what is the point? how can i let someone just "get away" with what they did?
it doesn't matter. seriously. that sounds like a really watered down and trivializing blanket statement, but it's true. it doesn't matter.
it never actually matters how far someone crosses you. in the long term, it is always in your heart, quality of life & soul's best interest to put uglyness in the past. like i said before, of course this is much easier for some than others, but when you throw it all in the sky, at the end of the day, it all has the gravity to come back down.
if someone who has had their entire family intentionally murdered by a malicious person can find it in their heart to forgive...then so can you.
that stuff happens more than you'd think. so there are no excuses. and it's not fair to the other person or yoruself to just keel over and say you're not "strong enough". i hate that. you are. you are if you want to be i say. you are strong enough. it's not always easy, and it doesn't always happen overnight, but we all have it inside of ourselves to put the past in the past.
i have a terrible memory, so when a quote sticks to me, it really has to be glowing. i say that because one of my all-time favorites deals with forgiveness and goes like this. "you can never get ahead trying to get even". how true is that? seriously though. you can't. you're doing yourself a huge diservice by clinging to that anger/frustration/resentment that you refuse to let go of. that's extra baggage your life probably doesn't need. no, it is. you carry that with you you know? that garbage you collect from every bitter note circumstance or relationship that didn't quite pan out the way you had imagined. think of yourself as a snowball. not a nice white one either. you're a sickly gray looking one. think about it though. you're essentially snowballing in your own grudging muck. you really do carry that with you. i see it in people that i know and love all the time. it gets to them. it will get to you too.
so is it just as easy as saying, "okay, fine i'm over it"? never. never that.
i'm not going to try to fool you or myself with that fairytale. but. but, it isn't as hard as anyone makes it out to be. i don't think. why should it be? it's up to you right? you are the one making the conscious decision to let that negative thing stay with you and effect you. or not.
i realize that we're not all emotional brickhouses, but you don't have to be to forgive. mostly because you're crumbling your own foundation by hanging onto these energy-draining threads. some of you are white-knuckled, fist-clinching hanging onto this stuff for dear life and why? why? there isn't a good answer. you're stuck. and you can't deny that.
yes, there is the whole, well i don't want to let this or that happen to me again. i understand that and won't do battle with you there. there's nothing wrong with learning from a mistake. there's nothing wrong with stepping away from someone or something that has hurt you over and over again. but there's a huge division between walking away with a wise heart and shoving back to create separation. if you're shoving back, you're not creating separation. because it's still in you. you didn't let go of anything. you're wasting energy again. step away from that universe and move onto another.
it's okay for me to be personal here i think. just a bit...so,
i am not perfect. i am outrageously sorry if this is news to any of you...hahaha. okay, for real. i'm not and i definitely wasn't in my last relationship. but neither was she. we fought way too much. we argued about stuff that didn't even make sense to argue about. it even got creative. sometimes i would stop and say, how in the world did we come to this hideous place? we fought so much. and on top of that, we did some very hurtful things to each other. and i know for me, i did them with absolutely zero remorse. that's how bad it got. that's horrible. i hate that i was in that place. moving along though...
i forgive her. i'm pretty sure she hasn't forgiven me to be truthful, but that's life. i can only hope and pray she finds it in herself to let go of stuff that essentially does not matter at all anymore. for her own good if nothing else. we're in different stages of life now and i wish her the best. holding onto those ugly nights and crushing words does me no good at this point. nor her. don't get me wrong...i can learn from them. i have and i will continue to do so. but, what good does it do me to keep that stuff inside? it does nothing. if you're one of those who refuse to let go...just do it. it's like quitting a bad habit. sometimes you just have to pull the trigger, break free from the rusty shackles and walk on.
you don't try to forgive, you do or you don't.
one thing i almost forgot.
when you cling to these negative emotions associated with whoever/whatever, technically you're letting them win over you. what they did to you or said or whatever...is still effecting you. and that's probably what they want. and if it's not what they want, the linger is still there, and they're dominating your feelings. you don't want that. you don't. that is such a weak thing...to let someone damage you and continue to let them do so - when it doesn't have to be anymore. muscle up huh? i dare you to see how amazing it feels to get past those treacherous people or moments. it's worth every bit of effort one time (to move forward), than to let it wear on you day-by-day and keep stepping in place. that's what you're doing. you're treading in bitter water. you're sitting still. you're rotting in angst. was that one too dark?
okay okay...
so the moral of the story is that you have a chance to grow and become free.
the most unforgiving people i know are generally the most sullen, pessimistic and nasty people to be around. of course i forgive them, but i avoid them like the plague. unless they need to chat of course!
that being said, you can see where all of this is going. and hopefully you can see that forgiveness truly is the best option. i don't care if it was murder, adultery, or someone taking your last red skittle. it doesn't matter. it just doesn't. surely the most severe cases of harm could take a bit longer to stumble past, but it's worth the fight. i promise.
you don't want to be the person who looks back on their life and says, "wow, i never got rid of that" or "i lived with that my entire life". it's not worth it. it's not.
don't be defined by something bad that happened to you. we're all victims at one point or another for God knows what reason. so stop wasting your energy on him/her. channel it into goodness and use it on him/her. the next person who walks into your life and plays a big role deserves all of you. not 98% of you...only to have the other 2% stuck on ex-Y or ex-Z. now you're being unfair to everyone involved. especially the person you're with now. friend or whoever. give them 100% of you when you're with them. that's fair. and more attractive.
the ugliest people i know (not looks-based, shame) are the most bitter. i will jump off a bridge onto jagged rocks to dodge some of the knifing conversations and monologues i sometimes hear. don't be that ugly person. just don't.
and we come to a halt.
it only makes sense to forgive. just writing this makes it that much more transparent in my own mind and i felt like i was already fairly strong in the forgiveness dept., but we can all grow all the time. forgiving is one of those trained life skills that you can never be too good at. like kissing or cooking.
i hope this clears the air for some of you. i know it's easier to let things stay the same than to make a big change, but this one is worth it.
if there's someone out there who you know still feels resentment from you, even if they're out of your life, maybe it's worth giving them a call or email just to let them know you want to let it all go. don't say you're "willing to forgive" them because that implies guilt and you're kind of defeating your purpose. just say you want to forgive them and move along. you don't have to be sappy or fall in love all over or anything like that. just let them know you're free of that ugly emotion and you want to make big strides forward. they'll respect you for it and you'll feel the difference in your chest. if they don't, they have their own big issues to deal with.
love is the center of it all really. if you can forgive like a pro, it's likely that you know how to love like one too. because you know how to give someone 100%, and that's the best. i know i wouldn't settle for less. neither should you.
forgive until it hurts. forgive until the hurt heals. and then get ready to do it again because it's an ongoing exercise. the better you become at it, the lighter you'll feel.
it's good to let go.
there's a lot of beauty in forgiveness, but you have to want it. and you have to mean it.
get back to your 100%. do it for yourself, and don't wait forever.
today is best. go strong. only the brave.
xx-sk
(and i hope you feel this all the way into your bones).
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| gents, don't let screwing up be the only reason you buy her flowers you silly wankas. the florist is open all year. |
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