THE BEST OF FRANCIS. VOL.1

i'm not so sure many of you know, but i'm very sure that i have the two coolest grandparents on the planet. i don't care what you say.  if they wanted to become pro surfers or post-hardcore rockers tomorrow, they could.  they simply choose not to.  

the PERFECT LOOKING COUPLE w/ walt & i.

instead, my grandpa (FRANCIS) is an all-star at the factory fixing everything from radiators to co-workers' destroyed married lives and my gramma (NANCY) is busy slaving at mcdonald's selling the mcfoods and telling perfect strangers how fat they are (because she can get away with it) and that they don't need it.  it sounds mean, but she really does have a deep interest in nutrition and healthy weight loss.  either way...


seriously though, my g-rents are rad to the bone and i wish you could meet them.  they would like to meet you too.  they are both level 70 huggers (it only goes to 71) and grandma will sometimes forget to let go after 5 or 10 minutes which is interesting and sometimes kind of awkward.


recently (Oct. last year), my very tiny cousin walt (Paul Walter Crumrine the 3) and i found out that gma and gpa got themselves a pair of new computers for each other and are getting internet savvy to try to keep up with the rest of our family which is spread all over the country.  we indeed have a huge fam and frank & nance really do want to keep in touch with everyone the best they can.  so, after some brief web cruising lessons from my mom (the Donna), they both caught on...even though it took the Chief (gramma's nickname) a little longer than it would most (3 weeks just to click Internet Explorer...give or take).  


either way, walt and i saw that as a prize opportunity to have some fun.  he and i have a way of getting those two sassed up more than anyone else in the family so we boiled a brew.  we are not witches though.  so don't cross that line fancypants.  

gpa in a gangsta lean w/pwc3
probably talking driveby tactics.

as the g-rents became more cozy with the www, we took it upon ourselves to introduce them to facebook.  grandpa was reluctant because he is kinda weird about online affairs (not like love affairs weirdo...but like financial info & what not) and grandma i think had no idea what was going on during the entire tutorial.  and she still is kinda out there to be truthful.  lovely little space cadet she is.  :)


all of this intro to tell you that grandpa knows we (walt &i) are watching his account closely so we're pretty sure he's cranking up the comedy a notch.  but who cares!?!?  the guy is hilarious and he knows how to get us laughing like champs.  after not using his account at all the first couple of weeks, he has warmed to "the facebook" as he calls it and now enjoys playing around and being a bit of a ham sandwich.  you will also see that he has a playful obsession with enrique iglesias...i'm guessing because he's the only post 50's musician he knows?  not real sure, but he mentions him a lot, which i love.  


ta-da!


to honor grandpa...not only for his stunning good looks (recently rated a perfect 10 by Cosmopolitan magazine), but also for his child-like and outrageous sense of humor, i am posting some of his best Status Updates yet.  he isn't on all that much, but if you see Francis looming, nudge him and see what you get back.  the man is on another level for his age, and that's why we love him.  


you will perhaps see where i get some of my humor from.  or you definitely will.  and it's not just me.  it's my entire family.  except my sister sam, she has no personality.  love you sis!


here i leave you, "THE BEST OF FRANCIS", thus far, 2011.  mind you, the man is 78.


(my apologies for any misspellings or hideous ALLCAPS typing, he's kinda new to the keyboard and online etiquette...and wait til you see Gma's...even worse.)




1) "THANKSGIVING AFTER PARTY STARTS AT 2 AM!!! SCRABBLE, EUCHRE, SPOONS, AND CALL OF DUTY ALL NIGHT LONG. BRING YOUR OWN ROCKSTARS!!!! I GOT THE MICHAEL JACKSON RECORDS!!! NANCY WILL BE OUT SHOPPING SO THE AIR CONDITIONER WILL BE ON BLAST!!"


2)  "Breaking out the tap shoes. Michael Jackson meets Fred Astaire and Shirly Temple. Christmas Eve with my kids and grandkids will never see it coming. THRILLER MEETS WHITE CHRISTMAS!!! Nance get out the face paint!"


3)  "I wish I could sound like Enrique. Only thing better would be Sinatra."


4)  "Grandson you didn't know? I invented the first primitive iPad in 1976 in dedication to our Nation's Bicentenial year."


5)  "Actually my grandson Stephen is single! And he will be back in Ohio the 16th - 31st. You should visit him and hold hands and get married. Other than that my friend Floyd Henderson is single but he is 79 and is confined to a wheel chair and only speaks in mumble."


6)  "Can't wait for Nancy to dress up like an elf and hand out berries and ginger ale to the grandchildren on Christmas Eve! And don't forget the all night disco bingo game!"


7)  "Yes because under the elf costume Nancy has her 1983 Soviet Union Olympic Ski Team Suit! Go Commies!"


8)  "I wish the Enrique Iglasius had been born pre-WWII so that he could have sang for Nancy and I's first dance at our wedding!!!"


9)  "SOMEONE PLEASE... Get me the new Enrique Iglesias Sweat in a Bottle cologne!!! NANCY LOVES IT!!!"


10)  "HOLY HAT!!! Nancy accidentally used miracle grow on the fir tree last night and we woke up to Christmas tree that's 7 feet too tall for our ceiling! I guess I will be using my power tools this morning. Anyone got advice as to the best way to cut a 4" x 4" hole in the roof?"


11)  "Beavis and Butthead Do Christmas!!"


12)  "SORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN ON THE FACE BOOK FOR A COUPLE MONTHS! I JUST GOT BACK FROM A VACATION IN EGYPT. IT WAS GORGEOUS!!!"


13)  "Oh it is beautiful this time of year! And we didn't have to wait in any line to see the pyramids.
That's funny you mentioned Iran because Nancy was thinking about going to Iran so she can wear a burqa. Her pretty eyes just gleam when that's all I can see."

grandpa, you salted rascal!

14)  "VANNA WHITE HAS NOTHING ON NANCE MANGETTES!!!"


15)  "Kokomo Baby! Go Beach Boys! Nancy in a tankini!"


16)  "Sometimes I wish I were Pat and other days Bob, but today I wish I were Charlie Sheen."


17)  "I miss Keith Sweat, a fireplace, and Nancy in Aspen."




and that is all my friends.  remember, this guy is going on 79.  what a stud.  


if you want to add him on facebook, just let me or walt know and we'll give you a link to him.  just send him a message prior to friend requesting to let him know that you're a friend of Paul or Stevie's and you should be good.


hope you're not mad for this gpa!  we love ya you old stack of bricks!




xx-sk


(P.S. keep an eye out for the BEST OF NANCY.  hers are totally dif't, but equally hilarious in a whole, lost online kind of way.)