Thursday, March 10, 2011


as many of you know, before the army i was obsessed with my hair.  not in a creepy, craigslist, fetish kind of way.  just in a way that i paid more attention to it than most guys...and girls.  and there's nothing wrong with that because i said so.  i make the rules here soft skin.  this is no barrel of monkeys afterall.

great hair sample A.
that being said, i should preface this socially imperative blog by saying that just because i declare a hairstyle one of the best EVER, does not mean that i would ever have it.  in fact, it's much the opposite.  i celebrate the brave and ugly though.  unlike some, i have learned to appreciate and embrace that which by most is disgusting and culturally unacceptable in the world of salon cuttery.  

we all know that when i get out i want huge hair and that is simple math algebra queens.  sometimes, size does matter.  what might appear a lifesize bobblehead from a distance, to me is a lifesize masterpiece.  i'm providing you a choice example here right.  of someone other than myself, because let's face it...a blog full of me photos would most likely sink the battleship for good...and i like my pacific perusers.

what i'll do then is count them down by preference.  for the traditional effect of added suspense, to raise blood pressure and plastic seat cover sales...i'll go least fave to fave fave.  this one has been stewing in my head kettle for a good 45 minutes, so let's see what delicious little stew i've built for you.

remember please please...that a lot of the things i like/love in life are due to their ridiculous nature.  not because i would subject myself to them.  but my affinities are genuine...so play along gently and understand my logic.  or else the leather chair in august treatment...again.

if you think you're some kind of pro-status strawberry pie filling all-star...make this into a mini challenge and see how many of the 11 you can guess before scrolling down.  i project a high of four, though my gut is saying "i'd like a turkey sandwich"...so it's a tough call really.

you will see that some of them have their standard given names and a few i've re-titled for dramatic and necessary embellishment.

(if you want a painfully rad tune to thrash to while you read this mania, i highly suggest "Push It To The Limit" by Paul Engemann...it will certainly add 6-7 points [depending on what month you were born in of course)] to the gnarley reading ambience)

and this is your guessing space...

this too is your guessing space...

a little more in the event you're actually doing it...

and here is a picture of outerspace to keep the space going...

and finally the balls of space...a true classic...

now let your goldilocks down and let the list begin.


11.  "the beta lean"™- this is at the tail end of my list because it puts me to sleep , tho it deserves recognition for its overwhelming sweep and borderline brainwash job of half of the frat boys across the nation.  not a total knock, but if i had 2 nickels for every time i saw some fratly male in khaki pants, a blue button down, brown skecher boots & THIS hairstyle, i'd build myself a small palace in guam.  the thing is, i haven't done a lot of research on property pricing in guam, but i imagine i could snag a pretty slick 2BR 2BATH ranch if nothing else.  this hairstyle screams to me, i have no personality and i don't like to think much.  it also says i am sad, drowning and stuck in 2003 please rescue me.  i still see a lot of 38 year old uncles sporting this look when i walk through jc pennys.   yahtzee!  just push it all down and do a tiny flip at the front.  the better you can see the comb streaks, the more authentic.

breakthrough year: circa 1999.

10.  "the blowout" - sure this is all over jersey shore, blah blah.  well i liked it first...i just one-upped everyone.  truth be told, i became fond of this nasty accident a few years back when the gotti kids had a show, and i said to myself...wow...that takes a lot of cajones...and aqua net, and a really high quality hair dryer.  the blowout has been around for awhile, but it's not to be tossed aside for lack of unacceptableness.  it is unacceptable, but kind of amazing at the same time.  anytime you can walk out of the house knowing you look a tanning booth mated with a porcupine with your head held high you're alright in my books.  blowout boy, you're a brave one.  you don't look like a respectable man, but the nasty girls don't care and i like your bravado.  there is a high blowout spotting not only in new joisey my friends... hit the sweaty sun-kissed beaches of miami.  they've got the fever too.  catch it...

breakthrough year: circa 2010.

9.  "the one-length"™ - i know a lot of people refer to this lazy look as a one-length, but i'm putting it in writing and i want one of those huge checks for trademarking.  i want that check to be so big that i can't even get it in my car to get to the bank, and when i finally do, i want to jam up the little teller vaccuum suction thing with it.  there's not a lot i can say about the one-length™ other than the fact that whoever has one of these, has publicly admitted to absolute lazyness...and that's alright by me.  this haircut takes approximately 45 seconds to get/give and goes great with a pair of heather grey hanes sweats with elastic at the ankles.  perhaps the sweetest perk of the one-length™ is that the longer you let it grow out, the louder your do is saying "eff you" to caring.  a great place to find an abundance of premier one-lengths™is at a large catholic church where families often have 5-8 boys and don't have the finance or time to care about their kids' hair.  i love it.

breakthrough year: circa i have no clue.  it's probably been around since Jesus time for all i know.

8.  "the east asian q-tip"™- i might take a hit here for coming off a wee bit culturally offensive, but i hold a very special, japan-shaped place in my heart for the east asian q-tip™.  and i don't care what you say, i love asians.  my mom is 90% asian so whatever.  the righteous thing about the EAQT™ (acronym'ing to save wear and tear on the digits) is that it is pretty much a larger-scale version of the one-length™, only grown on asian people's heads.  let's not lie to ourselves.  we've all seen a plethora of these delights here and there.   you see a little 120lb. body crowned by a head that appears the size of a medicine ball and you know you love it.  the guise is that the head is of normal size, but the EAQT™ duped you good.  it's name i think is for obvious reasons...so we won't get into that.  a phenomenal place to find these in the states is southern california or any language facility on a college campus (i.e. Gordy Hall at Ohio University where i would spot upwards of 30 a day!).

breakthrough year: circa i have no clue again.  right up there with the one-length™, for all i know korean dinosaurs were rocking this do.

7.  "the circumcision"™ - i know i'll take heat for this one, but i promise it's the last one that sounds perhaps a bit inappropriate.  the thing is, could there really be a better name for it considering it's shape???  the circumcision™ breaks into the charts as the first female look and makes no apologies.  i have to admit i am absolutely mind blown by this one.  most haircuts that seem a bit off, or sit high on my charts bring a massive smile to my face and perhaps a baby tingle to my pancreas.  the circumcision™ though simply has me baffled to the limits.  i don't try to, but when i see one, i know i make this crinkled up squinty face like..."wait, whaaaaa?".  as much as i'd love to ask, "hey who told you your hair would look dashing when shaped like a penis", i can't because i'd be sad if it vanished from the scene and i never saw another.  it's not easy to track down one of these blitzkrieg boppers, but if you stop by an "edgy" salon in a small to middle-sized town somewhere in the midwest, you might get lucky.  these are cellphone-picture-worthy if you can get away with it while waiting in line.

breakthrough year: circa 1995.

mel sporting a roughly-tethered william wallace™.
6.  "the william wallace"™ - i am fully aware that william wallace is a legendary scotsman, but i am also aware that no one has ever gone over to their friends house, wasted by 8 o'clock on a saturday night and asked for a legitimate "william wallace".  the william wallace™ might come off a bit of a mystery to you non-braveheart buffs but really it's just a huge mess of hair (usually well past the shoulders), that is on a level of 10 ratty and at times will feature a small braid or two.  maybe one of the huge perks of the WW™ is that it requires just as little maintenance as the one-length™ and the EAQT™, but has all the glory of a full-mane.  i could see losing a lot of small, important things in these knotty locks, but i think it'd be worth it.  pulling off a true william wallace™ takes a real man and a chest full of rugged, war-torn hair.  if you see a certified william wallace™ anywhere in today's society, shake the man's hand but be sure not to stare because he probably has a 4ft. sword in his kilt and won't hesitate to dislimb you on the spot for excessive ogling.

breakthrough year: circa 1575.

one (or both of your parents) hate
you, but i sure don't.
5.  "the just in case"™ - formerly known as the bowl-cut, the just in case™ has roots buried deep in the late eighties and has no plans to go away anytime soon.  a classic, perfectly-rounded just in case™ can be extremely hard to track down...much like bigfoot, but clearly more "with-it".  it has earned it's new name because the last time i had one (28 yrs old), i thought...if i die today, and they need to size me for a halo and expedite my shipment to heaven, this great-looking and functional haircut will be terrific "just in case".  so there is the logic behind that.  i'm actually rather eager to marry and procreate in hopes to have a son, name him "Justin Case Kenworthy" and give him the most flawlessly bowled brain ever.  imagine his popularity at just age 8.  off the charts.

breakthrough year: circa 1989.

i may never understand.  :(
4.  "the - the bird has left the nest"™- i hate to have to give this one such a lengthy title, but it truly satisfies the gutsy appeal of this "style". TBHLTN™ much like the circumcision™ has caught me off guard and stunned my analytical skills.  if you don't know what particular look i'm discussing here, imagine a lady (in her mid-thirties, paler than traditional) who carefully parted and then smushed the front of her hair down to one side, and then took a blow dryer, pointed it 90 degrees toward the ceiling and made a perfect little prickly patch of spikes on the back of her head.  a veteran TBHLTN™ wearer will have a near perfect semi-circle in the back with a very clean and defined division of the front (the school teacher) and the back (the punk rocker).  this hairdo is perfect for an over-burdened mother stuck in a midlife crisis with 18 kids and little time for preparation in the morning.  it's worth noting that no other look on our countdown demands such a serious amount of mousse.  TBHLTN™ is prevalent in today's culture and makes frequent appearances anywhere there is a rally's, a heavily-populated county fair or a local bowling alley.

breakthrough year: circa 2002 & going strong.

photo not ft. black comb.
3.  "the rick springfield" - i wish i could take credit for this name because i do adore it, but i can't.  the rick springfield is a delicately center-parted, mid-length man's hairstyle with the feathering touch of a baby eagle.  there's not a lot more to say about the rick springfield other than the fact that it never leaves home without a good, plain black comb.  notice i said comb, not a brush.  the plain black comb is the rick springfield's best friend besides its bee-gees album collection and denim jumpsuit.  this throwback look can be challenging to find anywhere in today's states, but it's worth paying the $6 to get into the REO Speedwagon & .38 Special concert to feast your eyes on a few.

breakthrough year: circa 1974.

look at that thing!
2.  "the flat-top" - i so badly wanted to re-name this one, but didn't have the heart in me to pull it off.  to re-name the flat-top would be like asking the white house to paint itself lavender, or to change the national bird to a muskrat (which doesn't even make sense) and i just can't do that.  you don't mess with a great american icon like that.  the flat-top is as epic as a trans-am with an obnoxiously loud exhaust and as much as it stings, you just have to appreciate that.  i want to go on and on about how much i love the thought of someone thinking it's okay to make a literal shelf out of their head, but i can't.  i feel like if i disrespect the flat-top, it will haunt me in my next life as some sort of militaristic cyborg.  so i'm going to leave it alone now.  but i do love it so much.  a great place to find this legacy do is right here in ft. hood...or any military town for that matter.  they're not as prevalent as they once were (shame), but the older GI's still dig the FT.

breakthrough year: circa vietnam war.

she'd rather be slaying dragons.
1.  "the pageboy" - i am speechless at the sheer presence that this hairstyle demands.  i feel as if i should not be allowed to type out its name, but it's my duty to deliver the goods...so here we are at number one.  the pageboy is great because it keeps the neck warm, keeps the hair out of the eyes and goes great with chain mail.  the pageboy has an extra extra special spot in my chest because it's virtually impossible to find unless you have friends who are stuck in the knight era and live in a castle.  the paige boy is to many considered unfortunately hideous, but i stick up for its noble flavor.  this is not for everyone.  i do not recommend everyone try this at home and i haven't seen one in person for years that i can re-call.  i love the pageboy.  it's as rare as a pink diamond but boasts the testosterone of a real-life dragon slayer.  if you go to the barber shop with a full-head of hair and ask for a paige boy, they'll likely spare you the charge and send you away with a golden chalice and scrolls that reveal the tomb of king arthur himself.  respect the pageboy or get jousted to death in your worst nightmares.

and that is all.
share with everyone you know.
the blogger is tired and needs a rest.
now go get one of these epic looks and show it to the world i dare you.


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