Sunday, March 6, 2011


Hot Tamales = the sweet fruit of the gods!
(reppin' old school box = +4 cool points)

even though i am no longer much of a candy gobbler, i am by no means oblivious to the fact that there are still a lot of sweets out there that just suck. this is my bold-faced attempt to desecrate those sugary delights that i never thought deserved space in my 99 cent, plastic handled pumpkin on october 31st. even though there is still very much a side of me that holds great resentment to "those people" who handed out apples & five pennies at halloween, in my elder years, i am at least grateful that they didn't taint my bag'o'goodies with these unacceptable, barely edible sucrose creations. 

which makes me think...does anyone else have a grandma or a friend who makes a Christmas tin of assorted cookies where the good flavored, tasty ones are forced to mingle with the sick and odd ones...which results in a peanut butter cookie that tastes like a cherry coconut piece of trash? tangent. 

anyhoo...here are the unfortunate and socially disgraced top 10 worst candies ever. i do my best to explain my logic. if you disagree, then you are wrong. haha...all this coming from a guy who can't taste a thing. whatever...26 years of tasting experience lends me the credibility to write this minty fresh gem. 

the top 10, from bad to worst. 

10. Sour Patch Kids. 

i know i'm going to step on some major toes here but hear me out. A: besides the red, they all suck. only a select few oddballs really LIKE orange, green or yellow (almost no one) and B: after a couple of handfuls, these frosty kids will destroy your tongue and the roof of your mouth...especially if you're more of a sucker than straight chewer. 

9. Candy Canes. 

nothing is more depressing than associating one of my favorite holidays ever with one of the most worthless candies ever. every time Santa Clause gave me one of these as a child, i wanted to punch him for being tasteless and inconsiderate. nowadays, i just think they suck...and that very few actually enjoy them. plus the hook in the cane always makes for sticky and awkward facial contact.

8. Jujubes. 

If you care AT ALL about your teeth or dental work...STAY AWAY. FAR AWAY. these ruthless little goo dots will rip your fillings out faster than you can chew a rare steak.

7. Good & Plenty.

these are just gross. i always see them at the movie theater and think about how bad they smell and how the word plenty is in the name because there's far too many to actually consume. the candy shell confuses me as well.

6. Maple Nut Goodies. 

i think my bizarre stepdad is the only person in the world that still likes these. to me, these are the quinessential old people candy. it's like, i'm going to give you something healthy (a nut) and coat it in some sick and unidentifiable tan coating. they feel kind of clayish too.

5. Peeps.

seasonal. disgusting. i've only met one person in my life who likes these. unacceptable. shameless.

4. Necco Wafers. 

pastel chalk discs. there's even brown ones. SICK.

3. Circus Peanuts.

if the color alone doesn't give you the shakes, the consistency will. these wretched delights are reserved for only the oldest of old school sweet tooths. my grandpa really likes these. they're like a vomitous colored little sponge in your mouth that taste like who knows what? what in the world do these taste like? why do they feel like a memory foam pillow in my mouth? just terrible. terrible.

2. Candy Corn. 

they are seasonal for a reason people! i have probably argued against the favor of candy corn between 15-20 times. i've probably never gotten into more arguments about any other single thing in my life. first off, they're ugly. they're like wax teeth to me. they're not even pure wax (like a starburst)...they're a mix of like, 80% wax and 20% grainy sugar. that's horrible. they have no specific taste because all they taste like is sugar. they're highly inexpensive because they're cheap as dirt to make and they taste like it. if you like candy corns, shame on you. seriously...shame on you.

1. the orange and black things. 

this one actually almost makes me angry. if you're 100 years old and you give me these on halloween...i am flat out furious. i say this because i noticed a serious trend in the senior citizens of our fine society handing this satanic candy out most. i don't care if your parents ate dinner on the regular with john smith and pocahontas...there is no acceptable reason to give these out. they're something like 99 cents for a 10lb. bag and it blows my mind that they're even in business still. no one knows what they're called because everyone throws them away as soon as they get home. to me, giving these to nice children is almost as bad as gifting them illegal drugs. these are the strongest slap in the face when it comes to candy giving. i'm getting angry just writing this. i have to stop because my blood pressure is most likely rising. i hate this candy. it doesn't even have a proper name!!!  FTW!!!

handing these wretched hell nuggets out at halloween is the literary equivalent of saying, "F YOU" to the innocent trick'er treater.

now that i have this off my chest, i hope some of you contribute with your thoughts and opinions. it's important to me that i leave no disgusting sweets off of this list. if i've offended you and slammed one of your faves...bring it. i can back up my gangster talk anyday when it comes to sucky candies. 

honorable mention: charleston chew, zero, the pink chalky things, red hots, mary janes, sno caps & peppermint discs. 

i dunno on this one JC.  we need to talk.  

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