Sunday, March 13, 2011


after tens of thousands of requests and inquiries about the original, original 15 sweetheart nicknames i posted a few weeks back...i have decided to provide a fresh batch of eggs for you starving and gorgeous little chickens and hens out there.  i must say that i was a bit overwhelmed with the positive response, so i'm guessing that i'm not the only one who's a bit bored of "honey", "buttercup" (a classic horse's name anyway) and the like.

i always root for the bull,
especially when there are clowns involved.
yawn right?  maybe i'm being a bit of an extremist here, but when i get married, if my wife dare call me something that 10 million others across the planet call their significant other, i'm going to divorce her on the spot.  this will require me having "the ugly papers" on me at all times, but i will be ready to attack with john hancock and stamped envelope at any moment.

and it goes both ways lois lane.  i hope to slyly insert in my vows to her that if i ever call her "dear" or "sugar" that she can punch me in the face without hesitation or apology.  mind you, there is a 10 second window, but still.

i've realized, after consulting my highly-esteemed and sophisticated "name creation matrix"...(seriously, you should see this thing)...that many of these endearing nicknames come off as insulting in nature.  therefore, it's pretty imperative that i give everyone full permission to flip these and use them as insults...tho, your creative rationale must then be exceptionally good...or i'll hire my mother to chop your hands off at the base of your wrists for misuse.  and she'll do it!  you should have known her in '76.  (i hope she's not reading this)...

page 1 of the almighty 6 page name matrix

so i wanted to do 15 new ones...then got on a roll and decided to go for 24, that way...if you're really on fire, you can call your special someone/or most bitter rival a different name every hour for an entire day.  i love this idea.  it is a proven fact that God loves an overachiever.  24, *sigh*, this is going to take a while.

dang it.

ok, so if they don't come off as kind, or "sweetheart" enough for you...just insert in front of each entry, "my sweet little ____________ " and they will instantaneously come to life.  easy as pie.  you choose the flavor...lemon meringue, dutch apple, or sugar cream for you senior types who struggle to chew things.  :(

VOL.2 features just as many food references, but digs deep in origin/ethnicity and adds some geography and zoology.  just for you canadian mongoose types.  let us get on with the naming conventions.

*t.o.e. stands for term of endearment...(i'm not typing that out 5,000 times for anyone)

24 ORIGINAL SWEETHEART NICKNAMES NOBODY ELSE HAS VOL.2 (that can also be used as insults in the proper scenario VOL.1)

1.  mississippi stomach ache™ - comes off a bit sour, but this nickname is perfect if you're with someone who has gastro-intestinal issues and grew up in the dirty south (at least from ages 5-13).  of course no one wants to be associated with pain, but if you say it with a wink and some cherry flavored tums in your back pocket, you might just get away with it.

2.  optimist prime rib™ - this title is more than ideal for someone who always has something positive to say about their meat purchase when dining out at small-town restaurants.  name is not effective or permitted if eating at a chain (i.e. Applebee's), and works best after duty hours.

3.  flaxseed network™ - everyone knows one of these lovelys.  not the uniquest (a word?) of the bunch, but a flaxseed network™ is nothing more than a nutrition junkie who spends at least 2-3 hours a week shopping at their local Trader Joe's and loves carrying on heated debates with their personal trainer friends about gluten-free foods.

4.  cord hugger™ - more likely to be used for a woman than a man, a cord hugger is someone who suffers severe fits of "empty nest syndrome" once their first daughter moves out.  for some reason or another, it doesn't work the same for a son...but either way.  careful when you throw this badboy around though...the overly-sensitive hugger could react very negatively and may inflict heavy damage.

5.  shredded wheat kickstand™ - this t.o.e. is ideal for someone who excels at level 3 acrobatics but won't get out of bed unless there is plenty of whole wheat (or grain) cereal in the cupboards.  there really isn't a lot of science here.

6.  the horizontal dept.™ - even though this priceless nickname is not very nice, it is by all means my favorite.  i am not surprised by myself with that.  let me just say that there is a certain profession that is rather prolific in a little town called Las Vegas that encourages its laborers to work horizontally.  if you refer to your significant other as the horizontal dept.™, you'd better be wearing a suit of armor or inform him/her ahead of time that you're refering to the fact that he/she much enjoys driving with his/her car seat fully-reclined (which is challenging and should be revered).

7.  eastern european mistake™ - look, we all make them.  this is ideally used by someone who bought their bride (or hubby) via the www and regrets it every second of their life.  this t.o.e. is not very tender and doesn't take refunds but let's face it...a true mail order spouse doesn't speak'a'the'english too well, so it then becomes less harsh and for all they know, very affectionate and kind.

8.  the GE championship™ - this one can go either way.  a perfect fit for a stay at home wife who is exceptionally skilled at working the kitchen/household appliances and such.  some more independent and strong-jawed ladies may resent this one greatly, so proceed with caution.  the flipside is that there are some wonderful gals out there who take pride in their cooking, cleaning & laundry skills...and there's nothing wrong with that.  so, like many of the new names on the list...just know what kind of kitty you're dealing with before you step into the cage.  try not to get your face ripped off with this one.  quick caveat, can be used on a male, but it will absolutely not be taken well and could result in a dire outcome.

9.  polyester pirate™ - a polyester pirate is someone who is known either for stealing massive quantities of 70's flavored apparel from nearby thrift stores...OR, isn't afraid to sail the coast of somalia for weeks on end whilst wearing the same 3 piece suit throughout the entire voyage.  a true polyester pirate can be a difficult find, but they are a brave species...and they love hearing about it.

10.  snowpea attack train™ - this one is self-explanatory, so i'm not going to get into it.

11.  meatloaf holiday™ - this loving title is just right for someone who isn't afraid to get seconds and thirds of the beef when the seasons roll around.  it is an obvious added bonus if they like dumping boat loads of ketchup on all of their carniverous endeavors...even if that is absolutely disgusting to you.  and it is absolutely disgusting.

12.  eukanuba circus peanut™ - an ECP (that's what everyone that i know who uses this calls it), is essential for someone who has either been seen and treated for eating inordinate amounts of orange foam while at dog shows...or maybe just has a hard time not judging people who have worked on the trapeze bars.  it can be somewhat ambiguous due to its double-meaning, so just specify ahead of time.  one of the more playful and light-hearted names, so be sure to tackle and gobble about on your lover everytime you use it.

13.  Petra Cottontail™ - the only legitimate proper name in the bunch...Petra Cottontail is perfect for a gal (or guy...hmm) who loves rabbits, has a brother named Peter, adores children's stories and hails from southwest Russia.  unfortunately, there are way more of these than you think, so claim fast if you want to have the true original.

14.  manitoba haircut™ - i hated having to put this one up due to my inner-rivalry that i have harbored against canada for nearly a decade now...but, when perfection stares at you in the face, you do not look away.  that is soft.  this little slice of t.o.e. heaven is ideal for someone who lives near the northernmost border of the states, has had problems getting a good cut in the USA and has to cross the country line to "get it right".  a manitoba haircut™ does not care about gas price hikes and will most likely love their new title because they are probably (stasticial research shows a 96% chance) an elitist jerkface who thinks they're too good for homegrown looks.

15.  catastrophe parfait™ - this one is spot on for anyone who is simply a disaster in all ways at all times and likes to mix small bits of food in their yogurt.  it doesn't hurt if they were born during a major fire or something of the like.

16.  shang-hai pterodactyl™ - this mouth full of east asian namery is great for someone who has spent at least 5 years studying paleontology at the university of big china (UBC) and has devoted a good chunk of their life designing synthetic wings that will someday allow humans to fly to and from work without a very high likelihood of fatal crashing.

17.  alcatraz wet rascal™ - if you've ever dated or are dating someone who is an extremely playful, grade A (or B, with stipulations) swimmer and has tried to escape from their soul-sucking hometown (which feels like a prison) on multiple occasions...then this name is just for them.  an alcatraz wet rascal™ is persistent but rarely has the proper tools (or resume') to get away for good.  bonus points if they are from (or were conceived on) a small island off the coast of northern california.

18.  8-eyed wild orphan child™ - do i really need to explain this one?

19.  safari punch™ - this is excellent for someone who was born (or has close ties to their heritage) in southern africa (not just south africa) but is not exactly sure which countries all of their ancestors were from.  an authentic safari punch™ boasts roots in at least 5 unique nations and has been attacked at least twice by one or two of the following serengeti beasts: the lion, the hyena, the zebra, the angry red fox, the jaguar, the female rhino.

20.  skim milk uppercut™ - this t.o.e. is essential for the lover who enjoys placing bets on boxing and has extremely pale skin, so much so that you can begin to see their veinal patterns...even at a fairly young age.  this name should be used with severe caution as some do not like the fact that their epidermis is somewhat transparent (in comparison to 2% or whole).  if misused could certainly result in a fury of haymaker blows to the chin.

21.  turkey sandwich calculator™ - the exact same thing as a flaxseed network™except the turkey sandwich calculator™ counts their calories much more strictly and has no gluten preferences.

22.  snaggle-toothed muskrat™ - this is very mean, but ideal for someone who grew up unabashedly filthy near a highly-polluted body of water (i.e. lake erie) and never had the money for braces.  i find it hard to believe that someone could use this t.o.e. without stepping on some toes, but stranger things have happened and i have found in my research that many S-TM types take pride in their muddy heritage and find hygiene products "sensationally over-priced".  one of the few names that can be shortened as simply calling someone "muskrat" tends to yield big smiles and long, sometimes uncomfortable embraces.

23.  virginia black forest ham juggler™ - in the event that my mother is reading this, i shalln't expound much more than to say, if you know someone who takes 45 minute showers and you notice that there is absolutely, positively no movement going on in the water pattern or such...well then...1+1 ='s 2 right?  do the math, do the math.  especially easy to label and tag a VBFHJ if you have a shower or tub that creaks easily at rocking, dancing or walking around inside of it.

24.  the uh-oh rainbow suplex™ - perhaps the rarest of rare steaks, this title has been ferociously reserved for either grizzly men or butch females who insist on WWF-style wrestling only with other like types and have at one point in time gone a little too far and caused a life-ending or traumatic injury to an opponent because they got into the role a bit much, performed a level 10 body smashing move and couldn't find it in themselves to ease up on the competition.

***i wanted to show some photos of each name but wow...i'd have to take the whole week off.
***i also wanted to make each name masculine or feminine, but didn't want to discriminate and ruin their respective versatilities.

choose wisely and abuse the names...
all of my love.
some of what's coming.

No comments:

Post a Comment